Every page with its section count and opening words, for skimming and for agents that want the corpus without the scans.
| Page | Sections | Opening words |
|---|---|---|
| 0 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 1 | 6 | January - The end of a New Year month. I am sitting in a bed the I-building - actually loving the freedom yet support I feel outside my doors. Florida seems safe comforting to |
| 2 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 3 | 4 | What we pay attention to grows so what if I tried another strategy - to acknowledge when really hurting or just pretend put out my consciousness. So open your eyes to a new |
| 4 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 5 | 5 | I am slowly healing in new ways - this past time was a relapse that maybe I needed. As Lisa said, "this is just part of your journey" that feels right. I concentrated on Kevin |
| 6 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 7 | 11 | A year from now... 1. Been sober from c hard for a year 2. Working on livelihood as main jobproject. 3. Living Florida weather, but home is where my family is... 4. Super |
| 8 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 9 | 7 | I know that adventure must be added to my sobriety list - And it is. I am jumping in shower, going to get my car then see where the day takes me. What is my 1 goal today To |
| 10 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 11 | 2 | Today is the day - a day - to start a new. To start over again.. I have been pre-occupied with thoughts of K. But he is in no position to give me what I need. His life has been |
| 12 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 13 | 3 | me is my brothers. How I don't have them in my life anymore. I'm looking forward to starting my clinical week. Really diving into therapy and working on the parts of me that need |
| 14 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 15 | 4 | It involves me engaging actively in the program with my sponsor. Going to meetings, following the advice of clinical staff, praying, meditation - you did so well training your |
| 16 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 17 | 3 | It involves true letting go surrender. Emotionally spiritually on my knees. It involves doing the work doing it well. I think my age plays into all of this - 37 about to |
| 18 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 19 | 2 | It's the trying to deal with extremes. Do I cut off entirely not talking - in my mind make it "over". What is the healthy way to be It's either all or nothing - how do I cope |
| 20 | 2 | How do I sort out What if I know in my gut that it's no longer |
| 21 | 10 | What are the good things Can you forgive self for engaging Yes. It happened. Even though I made it happen. What were positive things about it happening - I likecan feel |
| 22 | 11 | - Letting another person control emotional states - Feels harsh - "all then nothing all" - Rollercoaster - Not taking care of self. - Giving over my power - He could die - |
| 23 | 12 | Have this bizarre conundrum - life is so short - don't waste it grab what you want. Go for it. VS. Let time be. Time will heal. Time is on side only way But What if I don't |
| 24 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 25 | 2 | It's been a strange weekend what I feel in my gut is that it's over least for now probably a long time. What I know now is that he is hurting, doesn't respect my mind |
| 26 | 2 | Is it possible to just be a friend Time will tell. I am feeling stronger by the day really trying to keep the focus on me have faith. Real faith. That things will work out |
| 27 | 3 | I think he is rather immature - he gets uncomfortable being around me and I hate that. His entire disposition has changed - and he did say that it won't be like that forever. But |
| 28 | 15 | A few things that were said in meeting that resonated with me - 1. Accept your powerless - over situations. The more I try to hold on, the more I will lose. 2. Align values |
| 29 | 6 | I also think that we won't end up being together I have no more illusions. Things that really make me wonderquiver and I saw it the first night I was with him. When he kicked |
| 30 | 3 | What I focus on, grows - So that's all I am going to say for now - I have to get up early for meeting - 90 in |
| 31 | 5 | I am grateful for another day. I am grateful for my father. I am grateful for the bird that sang outside my window when I asked for Beauie. He is here with |
| 32 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 33 | 5 | Dear Kevin, When I first met you, I felt an instant yet unattainable attraction. I was also surprised happy that there was someone my age - from my area - felt a familiarity. |
| 34 | 2 | The first night we were going to meet, I didn't call you - and as I was walking home let you know that I didn't think it was a good idea. You were disappointed saying I left you |
| 35 | 3 | The car - I smoked a cigarette while you sat in the car talking to him - and I remember thinking this is a disaster. You came out told me you had to go - could drive me home but |
| 36 | 7 | Eric Dengler You text me how sorry you were for how it went down and asked if you could make it up to me. And so it continued. Your text messages sentiments became stronger |
| 37 | 4 | you knew you shouldn't contact me but couldn't help yourself - that you wanted me to know you were sleeping on the couch I hadn't left your mind. The texts sexting continued |
| 38 | 3 | But I came back to Ocean Drive conflicted needed to process - both Josey Randal were out that week I let it out after being told to "talk about it" - that it would release |
| 39 | 1 | I may not have been experiencing a good sex life home but I did have a partner who thought about me my needs before his. I wrote you a text that you should concentrate on |
| 40 | 3 | I have to admit that although it's what I had said, it wasn't what I wanted. I text you on the 8th 9th to ask about the 12th weekend you responded that you were conflicted |
| 41 | 3 | a text on Tuesday the 22nd - "You haven't left my mind - I relapsed" I am ok going to Caron - no needles - my wife is divorcing me. Wish you were here. I'd like to get sober |
| 42 | 2 | I want to make it very clear that I 100 agree that you can only focus on self right now. Your'e life is stake - But for my health sanity - what am I supposed to do with these |
| 43 | 3 | So where do we go from here I have been working on letting go but I don't want to resent you. I am here for sexual trauma loss - both you have healed hurt. I have a part in |
| 44 | 1 | was incredible for the first time - in a long time. Whatever it was - feelings were felt remain unsettled. I think it is best we talk in |
| 45 | 2 | 13019 So thankful that January is almost over ce la vie 1.27.19 is my date goddamn it it better be my last. I've had one of my hardest days my sex drive is out of fucking |
| 46 | 4 | I didn't have to do it. But maybe it would be healing and then again maybe it would open up more wounds that will take me longer to adjust get over with. I am going to give it a |
| 47 | 4 | I know it's not the healthiest way to deal with things but least it's better than drugs. I am focused on myself my needs sex seems - least at this moment to be one of |
| 48 | 1 | grade and showing the boys my underpants. Hyper-sexualized a young age. What is this due to Was I molested. I think so - I can't remember specifics but I do remember trauma - I |
| 49 | 3 | remember the Q-tips - I hated getting my ears clean; bathing my vagina due to overhearing parents having sex; what made me so attached - My mother not emotionally available - My |
| 50 | 3 | The solution. The last day of February Thank you Lord Jesus. I am getting better each day realizing it was the intimate connection that I am grieving got obsessed with. It's |
| 51 | 1 | in my life. Today, I feel it isn't necessary to have a convo with him - what's the point I would rather have the mistake take the lesson. What did he teach me - That intimacy |
| 52 | 7 | confident that I can will have what I desire. What do you desire - Livelihood 2.0 - Financial independence - A brown haired man who is affectionate, stable, kind smart to |
| 53 | 1 | You will have all you desire Trust the process. Trust yourself your ability to manifest all your dreams. You got this, Ashley Blazer |
| 54 | 10 | Prayer "Please whoever you are Please keep sober today" "Thank you for keeping me sober pg Upon awakening dawn 86 pg. 417 Acceptance Big Book- AA Big Book App - Free Text - |
| 55 | 6 | Other Assignments - 1. 5 Gratitude each day - nothing can purchase 2. Pro's Con's list of Kevin 3. Affirmations 4. Set boundaries for me Reason, season, |
| 56 | 2 | Continued Relationship with Kevin Pro's Cons Insanedeep sex Wife Kissing - like smell of breath Child Wife not leaving him Started relationship when in another relationship Get |
| 57 | 10 | Pro's Con's Not feeling safe anymore Feels guilty - both of us No undying commitment to another Not available to meet my needs Long distance No romance or real intimacy Doesn't |
| 58 | 7 | What are my Boundaries 1. Open to seeingexploring if separated 2. Open to intimacy again in future 3. No back forth with my emotions 4. Needs to be sober to engage 5. Being |
| 59 | 4 | The last day of January for some reason the 27th just sticks in my head as being a great day. My ego always in the way I met a woman meeting last night she was holding a |
| 60 | 5 | 2119 February Hooray. That much closer to spring... although I need to stay present. And be grateful for today. I had some up's down's today. Started the day with boxing |
| 61 | 4 | Tomorrow I already have my day planned - Getting up in the am - 9am going to the gym - then home to shower - 9am gym 10am Showerhome 11:30am - Lunch men's house 2:45pm - |
| 62 | 3 | When I leave - I love so hard. And I get focused on them - their love. Their need for me to be loved. Their validation. Their something... Here I am talking about another man when |
| 63 | 3 | was almost a year that was horribly painful due to the diagnosis. I haven't been sober in so fucking long need to get sober stay this way... long enough to find inner peace |
| 64 | 3 | Reframing my life. Early morning - the sun has not yet shown it's shine. To thine own self be true. I have to continue to walk in faith - that everything should be exactly how |
| 65 | 3 | I have struggled for control - for absolutes. For some assurances that I will never get as long as I keep struggling. I do know that I would like to quit smoking for my health. |
| 66 | 2 | He actually texted me the first time last night to tell me he is glad I had a good day on Beau's Birthday. I have a therapy session with him tomorrow which makes me nervous but |
| 67 | 3 | group although I don't want to - started hanging out with a new guy, Eric, who has been through a lot and is clean sober these days. He lives in Florida. And he is so cute... |
| 68 | 4 | 45,200. I down to Florida to get my 6 months under my belt. I could wrap things up home make a move. But I'm going to stay in the present. Stay in today I have a lot of work |
| 69 | 5 | Moving to Florida Pro's Recovery community Weather Time to be w people who don't use Away from family drama Space to focus on only me Leaving job Timespace to figure out |
| 70 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 71 | 3 | I honestly think he is out of my system the man who he was with me is no longer. Neil had a meltdown said I was putting others risk, was full of shit about my own |
| 72 | 3 | gives attention that I know I need. It's like each relationship get me closer to where I want to be. Showing me more more of what I want. I won't see him tonight. And that's ok |
| 73 | 2 | I know that Eric does but also know that Eric isn't ready for a relationship has been known to drift outside. I am not sure what to do with how I am feeling other than focus on |
| 74 | 4 | Owning my power realizing that unlimited happiness resides within. He didn't call last night it worried me - became a little pre-occupied and I didn't like it. So today I |
| 75 | 3 | emotions - it's not a healthy space to be. The truth is - everything I thought I knew - ended up not being entirely accurate. Kevin was soulmate we were going to end up together |
| 76 | 16 | What is my part in this My part is that I spoke to too many people about my situation with Kevin. I asked for too many opinions and tried to get validation that I am good enough, |
| 77 | 2 | It's not what I want anymore - so maybe that's the gift in this all and the lesson that I should only tell people I trust and who have my back - about anything. It's about being a |
| 78 | 2 | He came over this morning - he fell asleep with his phone on vibrate. I over-reacted now see how I can get so ahead of myself. In my mind, he was on a boat with other women and |
| 79 | 2 | The morning. Early mornings. Kevin didn't come to dinner last night he has been avoiding me like the plague mean, cold, distant. I guess that's his go-to and better I find |
| 80 | 5 | I don't want to move down here for anyone, any relationship, and need to make sure I'm making the right move - literally. I trust no one. It just really goes to show - you don't |
| 81 | 2 | What are the qualities that I know I need in a partner 1. Affection 2. Kindness 3. Sweetness 4. Sweet Nothings 5. HumorLaughing 6. Attraction 7. Intimacy 8. Passion 9. Loyalty |
| 82 | 7 | He is still in love with his girlfriend - what the fuck - honestly. I'm an incredible catch don't know if he's just trying to fill a hole - Have a difficult time being alone |
| 83 | 14 | me like an asshole - and still I remain kind bc that's what I want to be but I do know that I now have boundaries - no longer possess these intense feelings. They have faded |
| 84 | 2 | The day ended up on a positive note. Had a great clinical day. The lesson that I learned is I am either completely "put together" and could run the group OR I am the 6 year old |
| 85 | 4 | My 5 year old self: I acknowledge her but the grown-up version of me is now going to address her while caring for her. I was given the hunger games to read as an assignment. Kevin |
| 86 | 3 | I probably won't see Eric tomorrow I'm ok with that. It's getting easier to find my time space - with only myself. I wish I had 2 more weeks here to really hone what I am |
| 87 | 8 | The transition will be difficult for me this I know for sure But I have much to do in the limited time herethere it's time to make moves Schedule for tomorrow 6:30 |
| 88 | 2 | Learning to fly with half developed wings... Coming down is the hardest thing. It's gotten weird again - up down. It's really disconcerting and horribly discouraging. I am |
| 89 | 7 | A little fearful of what's to come... Feeling anxious but that just means I am living in the future. I must remember to stay present in today - otherwise this sobriety thing isn't |
| 90 | 1 | let it die that what will be in the future will be. The only way it will re-ignite is if one of us both of us re-engage. But, I wonder if he has boundaries for me. If |
| 91 | 2 | Heart palpitations - Anxiety super increased. Started new drug that feels really off-putting. I started feeling that, "Please don't go - will I see you again" I miss him |
| 92 | 3 | They say everything happens for a reason some people only come into your life for a season. I know I was meant to be here with Kevin to truly let him go. He wasnt the man |
| 93 | 2 | can andor will be going back there. My energy levels are stable and feel 0 desire to smoke. When my mom worked me up this weekend I grounded myself I breathed it actually |
| 94 | 1 | our background, maybe some of our values - but we both share similar joys jokes sensibilities. As he told me today, he is a breath of fresh air. He is racist but doesn't mean |
| 95 | 1 | That was how he was raised and only completed 10th grade. He doesn't have a high school diploma or college education but he has a sensibility, a resilience, an attitude, and a |
| 96 | 4 | I am pissed, freaking out, acting insane - thinking of Howard - my husband - with another woman It's actually not fair not right. I have been with other men it's just not |
| 97 | 1 | He is probably sound asleep but definitely not healthy. It makes me sad but he is an eternal party boy. I do think that if that was different things may be slightly differently. I |
| 98 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 99 | 8 | Florida Pro's Time away to Ashbury wants Recovery community Caron therapists Work on recovery time to get it right Get away from pressure Con's Old haunts Friends who use Know |
| 100 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 101 | 5 | 7 am - workout 8:30 Divas 10 am - Fed Ex - send box home 12 pm - Caron for notes say |
| 102 | 2 | I've left Delray Beach in flight to La La Land for an exclusive Executive Producer dinner event. Eric dropped me off - had an amazing 3 weeks with him. He made me happy, made me |
| 103 | 3 | Is Eric up to Howards or my parents standards NO. He is a surfer not highly educated - barely knows his grammar but he does know how to love how to treat me like I need to |
| 104 | 3 | I think I gotta slow my roll a little put the focus back on me my recovery. There are many loose ends to tie up and I am moving a little fast. I am crazy attracted to his |
| 105 | 3 | I also haven't had my period yet which makes me slightly nervous but I'm expecting one any day now This has been a really crazy ride thus far - what a tragic amazing journey. |
| 106 | 3 | Don't kiss Built up resentments Don't like friendscan't hang out What values don't we share - Loyalty - Financial - |
| 107 | 3 | For so long the softer, shyer, quieter side of me has been in hiding. The sweetness that once encompassed me wrapped me up left me when my brother died. All of the affection - |
| 108 | 11 | Things you do want - 1. Affection - holding hands, kissing, hugging, sweet forehead kisses, face rubs, 2. Laughing - making me laugh able to laugh me self 3. |
| 109 | 2 | Feeling needy - ping ponging between men at this point - even though I am likinginterested at different times for different reasons. But feeling out of sorts. Confused. Not |
| 110 | 3 | everything out. If dad runs it truly messes up everything with homeboy. It all makes me nervous. But that's not happening today - I have to stay in the moment - It all feels heavy |
| 111 | 9 | Feel sad today after seeing Howard. Maybe I do try make this marriage work. Write out plan Goalsplanner MoneyFinancial Work - what - where Financially supported - How |
| 112 | 6 | 22419 Holy crap - here we go again. Not going down that rabbit hole - So much has happened. My marriage is over it breaks my heart in two, there are no feelings of "I need to |
| 113 | 3 | Plan For Retreat - 1. Do I announce that resigning 2. Get to know you 3. SWOT Analysis 4. Where we are where are we going I am letting fear control me my next moves. I have |
| 114 | 2 | of love . I have to walk in faith and back up a little from the comfort of another man. He is so easy to love - so present, affectionate, and loving but I know it isn't the way |
| 115 | 5 | with none of which keeps me sober. I must figure something out sooner than later. Maybe I can see if my parents would give me a loan I don't know where to turn - maybe I turn |
| 116 | 5 | Sat, Sun, Monday, Tuesday How am I here Feels crazy. All anxiety producing. Nothing I can do about it today. But do the best I can take it one day, one hour, at a time. I told |
| 117 | 7 | Rx - 10504159 Rx - 10453048 Rx - 10473818 Rx - 10489404 Rx - 10485587 Rx - 10608554 Rx - |
| 118 | 15 | Twas the night before solitude and all through the house... not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Preparing for the unknown... I feel like maybe I should get a hotel room |
| 119 | 7 | His phone is off. I would feel responsible on some level. I have to lean into all this discomfort and find my way It's just cloudy right now. What's going on in here Should I |
| 120 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 121 | 4 | A peaceful place. It snowed this morning and so I slept in and missed my flight. Eric is being bizarre - states he is sick but I actually think he used the other day. I can't |
| 122 | 3 | Day one for me. It just makes sense for my life, mood, energy, and future. There is no rhyme or reason. Well there is a reason those reasons are greater than my desire to use. |
| 123 | 2 | What do you want from this life - Passionate - great sex - surprises - adventure - laughter - play - justice - friends - wideopen spaces - restorative practices - emotional |
| 124 | 3 | I actually think he relapsed isn't telling me. It hurts my heart to think that he is using that I may have triggered it. Boredom is deadly for me. It is the main reason for |
| 125 | 3 | come true and I can't do anything to jeopardize it. Some people come in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Maybe Kevin came into my life for a reason; Neil came into |
| 126 | 4 | 2-6-19 Mercury Retrograde. Pisces. That's the reason and here's to a new season. I did it. I changed the trajectory of my world for a short period of time or forever. I did |
| 127 | 2 | 2.6.19 First day of Lent. Giving it up to my higher power. Went to a meeting with Hallie "Raise me up on Eagles Wings" was playing in the background. Kevin Lenane text that he |
| 128 | 2 | First full 24 hours and feeling good - settled. Went to a morning meeting with Hallie. She has been great since I got home I am super grateful. Let go, let God. One day a |
| 129 | 3 | I have a call with mom dad this evening 8pm. I have to practice patience tolerance for their feelings all that is said. And so, we start again. This really gets old. I am |
| 130 | 3 | sweet, distant, tired, and confused. It's a lot with me moving and dad potentially running. I'm going to a meeting at some point today. I will not continue down this path or live |
| 131 | 2 | I feel different this time - I feel 'ok' with being alone doing things on my own. This shift came in Florida when I was forced to figure it out on my own. I'm not scared like I |
| 132 | 2 | Joe Biden without question has the best chances in a general election. That is what the news is reporting now. I think it might be the road to recovery I've been vulnerable |
| 133 | 5 | 31219 So.. we are running. Announcement will be in April or early May. It is all super anxiety producing but I just have to take it one day at a time relax. I know the move to |
| 134 | 1 | right move Literally. I'm nervous that I'll get closer to Eric then will have to detach from him as we move further into 2020. He isn't the guy that I would normally go for |
| 135 | 3 | I'm not certain they can will return. I do know that I have to stay away from the Devil - it only brings me more anxiety, fear, pain. There is nothing good that comes with |
| 136 | 1 | stop doing it- it makes no sense. Eats away at my self-esteem I am isolated for days at a time. I had all these plans for today finally was feeling good again. But when I feel |
| 137 | 3 | E has also been so supportive he asked if he could come stay with me for the next few days - timing is off not right but a sweet gesture. It's kind of nice to have someone who |
| 138 | 2 | so I can't really make a stink about it although I am hurt beyond belief. When I think about the fact that he didn't come visit me in treatment, I am actually crushed. He gave |
| 139 | 3 | life the same time there is a lightness - of doing things differently - finding a new way to live. Making it on my own. Depending on myself for life. Feeling stronger better |
| 140 | 1 | the way I planned. It's insane and my ability to forget despite negative consequences is what you call addiction. The restlessness is real. The limbo feels super unsettling and I |
| 141 | 4 | She has been moody completely unavailable. I'm just ready to move away from all the drama. Going to spend the next few weeks - two to be exact - getting myself as healthy as |
| 142 | 4 | This day next week, I will be on my way to Del Ray beach Florida. I feel a little under prepared but not much I can do about it. I'm doing the best I can. I have to clean out my |
| 143 | 3 | least 6 months. It all feels like a little much. But I am confident that I will do it - There is a piece of me that feels that I should get a U haul - Bc I have so much stuff |
| 144 | 5 | broken into. But maybe we just drive through the night. If we leave 5 pm there is a chance of getting there by the following morning. Plan for trip. Sunday - make sure entire |
| 145 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 146 | 16 | Feel overwhelmed by it all - moving but in the right direction. A full car to pack a full week ahead. Tomorrow I head to DC for the day then back for yoga, more packing, |
| 147 | 2 | I will say that sobriety is the ultimate way to go E is still trying to figure out his ticket home. When I get to Florida, going to dump entire contents into trash bags - I am |
| 148 | 6 | I am feeling uneasy about it all, Maybe this is how it's suppose to feel - feeling as if this is completely normal. If I didn't have high emotions and it's first day of nothing |
| 149 | 2 | but when will I see my girl again. April probably. I can't believe I leave in 6 days. I am now going on Sunday - but that may change. I went to the Hamilton Hotel and saw the |
| 150 | 2 | The right decision Sometimes I feel like I'm making a mistake - that I should stick around here do what I need out of NYC - but that also is a little late. 4.2.19 Moved in |
| 151 | 3 | I'd like to keep it that way. Although it's somewhat difficult when E is on drugs - I want to be supportive but don't know how. He will either need to detox on his own or go back |
| 152 | 5 | I'm pretty sure I'm going to make it. It's been 4 days without one 3 days without the other. I am starting to come back to life. I am not ok with what's going on - he has to |
| 153 | 3 | 7.28.19 OK baby - time to buck up. I am calling in all the troops and hunker down for 3 days. Today is Friday - the start of a new weekend and I am fully ready, geared up, and in |
| 154 | 5 | and really - I'm ready for it. No more talk - only action. No weed - possibly to get me through today but that's medication management. It's going to be a great real new start - |
| 155 | 2 | out from me. Processing 35 years of one way and it's only be 4 years of another - completely new, discombobulated, piece-meal, and shattered. But it's about facing these new |
| 156 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 157 | 9 | Website Relaunched Photos Re-touched Press Release Press Launch Invite people. Fashion installation - hire models. "Rosana" - Connect to John Built out on Hamilton |
| 158 | 4 | Thunder Moon The thunder moon is upon us - releasing old emotions and getting "clear" on what I want. The confusion standstill "ness" seems to be lifting. I am attempting to try |
| 159 | 2 | I am slowly recovering from my last episode. Its Day 3 and going to wait some time before jumping in again. It feels more organic to not focus solely on my addiction. But |
| 160 | 4 | This date deserve it's own page special attention Because it has been my most productive and happiest one for a few months. Why might you ask Sober, Day 4, productive |
| 161 | 3 | time. Straight out of boredom. Maybe this time is telling me to slow down I have jumped leaps bounds to get here why now making life complicated stressful Why sabotage a |
| 162 | 2 | Sat and what lie am I going to have to tell What do I do It will pass. You want it to pass... keep holding tight don't make arrangements for it again - no poking prodding. |
| 163 | 3 | Here we go again The anxiety worry is palpable. I realize and understand that this is my journey and I need to figure it out for myself. I need to get clear and relaxed about |
| 164 | 3 | giving "in" to the urges. And that's the first step in getting "clean" "clear". It's sad the feelings I have produced in others. My dad cried on the phone saying he has the |
| 165 | 3 | I need to refocus my life not let this addiction destroy me. It's all so sad. How much time energy goes into the same topic over over again. I am going to relax, do what I |
| 166 | 3 | health wellness. It was a beautiful day now absolutely pouring - thunderstorm I got a good night sleep saw Jody today. Josey cancelled. Mom dad in a much better space. My |
| 167 | 7 | that medical grade marijuana might also be in my system. I have to do this not to avoid getting caught or failing but bc I intrinsically internally want to get there. I think |
| 168 | 3 | Why re-create what has been done to you bc it's the only place that is "known" to me - it's what I've used to cope - I made a promise. A promise to wait to use until next |
| 169 | 1 | But, it would be amazing if you examined your frame or lense - an outdated lense that doesn't serve the woman you want to become. The new lense is that it doesn't work towards |
| 170 | 2 | soon enough I have so badly wanted to quit and I know it's a dangerous disease -- but I also know that maybe my path isn't traditional, I by no means mean that I a "special", |
| 171 | 1 | This is the winning reaction and just must be done. The procrastination is really wearing on me. The imposter syndrome must go. The feeling of not being enough, giving enough, |
| 172 | 9 | The last week of July is upon us. What do I desire for the month of August 1. Getting involved in Pharma Recovery groups obsatining for that girl for the entire month of August |
| 173 | 4 | I'm ready Today is the day - 101 - That's my plan today. The medication is helping stay positive. Yesterday it was an overwhelming urge in my body. A restlessness so deep. What I |
| 174 | 6 | The other reason is finances - down to the wire. It's a good day and I will keep on this journey. What's the difference this time around - new perspective. Wanting to be well. |
| 175 | 2 | This weekend, I want to do something that increases my wellness. 1. Foundation 5 12 body weight ounces 10 grips 2. Eat breakfast asap 3. Reduce sodium sugar |
| 176 | 6 | Stress addiction has created Money issues Dodginghaving to keep stories Stress Missed appointments Cancelling entire days due to fear Cleaningmess Having to liedodge Waiting |
| 177 | 6 | Guilty or ashamed - Have to deal with face - Cancelling obligations - Putting self in dangerous situations - Spending - Lying about tests one more time Worthiness - Yes, not |
| 178 | 15 | God Sarah Bailey Alyson Kelly Hallie Hunter Kathleen Mom Dad Howard Mom Cousins Kids Aunt Erin Guilana Harris Newspaper Why Taking Beau Body Body Body Boo Drugs family Drugs |
| 179 | 4 | Howard Dad Mom Kids Hunter Beau Friends Motown Athena John Matt Matt Gregory Addiction, lying, leaving Hurting self, lying Lying, not showing up Being absent Not backing him up |
| 180 | 3 | Self - Away from love - Weight - Health - Looks - Picking at face - Disappointing not reliable - let self down, by letting others down - Don't take needed actions to move |
| 181 | 11 | HatedJudged - Breasts - Butt - Body - Face - Dishonestynot showing up - Not being "worthy" - Don't deserve it - Imposter syndrome Envy Kathleen - intact family Breasts Good - |
| 182 | 8 | Superior - not really - was a little self-righteous during Hallie Hunter fiasco Greedy - people have felt used that only call or want to be with them in order to "use" Needy - |
| 183 | 4 | Physical Danger Drinking when drunk Bad are as unknown characters Grieftrauma Bullying Dad younger - health Bus driver Beau's death Rape sexual encounters Verbal abuse |
| 184 | 6 | Disappeared - Entirely - All things social or active Work responsibilities Friendships left bruised Misfortune - Marriage Different Isolated alone - connected in love |
| 185 | 3 | Sex life good - usingisolated Self - life Justin - not being true to my |
| 186 | 5 | August, 2 more months in Del Ray, I do know it's time to go lack of excitement, movement, opportunity. Love Miami but think it's time to get back home work on campaign. |
| 187 | 2 | been going at my face more than usual. Changing medications I must work my body out. It's almost midnight... tomorrow a few hours away. Will I I may... but what's that about |
| 188 | 2 | activities replace. It's fucking science it's also very true that come end of time here - it's buckle-down. But I also need to get to the head space where I am able to have real |
| 189 | 3 | Constant Restlessness - No excitement - 4 8.4.19 And again. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. The hard headedness is on another level, like I don't think I've ever met a |
| 190 | 3 | today. Proud of the young woman she is becoming. I feel grateful proud to be her "auntie." The girls have been distant with me. Maybe it's my love for Hallie continued |
| 191 | 4 | Day 2 - to be honest, I am triggered. Bc of him. There was a brief moment that I thought it might be a great idea but that quickly went away. The truth is that you so |
| 192 | 5 | So, I cleaned up today. Eric hopefully goes on with it. I think I'm going to be home for at least a month - see how integration feels. And I'll spend all of September down here - |
| 193 | 4 | Really. That. Was. It It's been a wave of emotions - ups downs. It's when I get overwhelmed - I tend to want to "escape" or shut down. The feeling just crept up and made me |
| 194 | 2 | used to being on my own doing "me" now have to think about others. There is anxiety not sure where it comes from... maybe it's "lack" of having substances - it's been 5 full |
| 195 | 4 | I've been waiting Silly how this date has so much significance in my life. But it was the day I began the "clear vision" journey that has lasted now for 6 years. 6 years without |
| 196 | 4 | to run recovery like a business. Making sure I get to a meeting everyday, workout my body, treat body with love care. Do the next rightwise think. Am I getting closer to peace |
| 197 | 9 | I have a big week one that I am excited for - not much to do until Monday. Sunday - Home in DE - discuss money w parents Monday - Shore Tuesday - Call accountant re taxes Wed |
| 198 | 3 | Today's theme was "denial" - to be compassionate for others denial keep them safe warm in comfort. That's what I am going to do for ang. Howard is among the fishies Day the |
| 199 | 4 | lives for the better. I miss my work - but I also know that, that will only happen if I'm taking care of myself. Today is technically Day 4 - The next few are slightly precarious |
| 200 | 2 | First day of September - usually my favorite month - the beginning of fall. The end to a long, hot, summer. I'm still trying to put the pieces back together. Figuring out my |
| 201 | 3 | It's gotten better - don't feel so alone however it's still not where it should be. Been 3 weeks still haven't slept with him. Entire month home. It's been partly circumstance |
| 202 | 7 | Everything is as it should be. I expect accept great abundance to come into my life. This will ruin your entire life Caron Detox. Tired. Annoyed. Feeling un-courageous Defeated |
| 203 | 9 | 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 T W Th F S S M T W Th F I don't want to be here long - 14 days feels right but will have to see how that goes. AHA moment decided to use - |
| 204 | 5 | Right now I am just going with the flow... Feeling sad but resigned. I am here here is where I'm suppose to be. I am trusting that all will work out... giving it up to God. |
| 205 | 6 | 9-5-19 Second day women's unit. It was a good day... I reached my goal I went to the gym, smoked less cigarettes, worked through reservations with AA vs. NA. August 30th will |
| 206 | 4 | today is to continue working out going to the gym. To hone into the "critical moments" truly get clear on what I must do to ensure I'm not here again. That involves saying |
| 207 | 3 | He looks great sounded great saying how much he misses me. I miss him too. The dilemma of it all but I do know that it will work out the way it should will. Think he is |
| 208 | 2 | from last night some New Orleans peeps. Kept getting phone calls from people who said that they wanted to kill me was hiding all dream. Think it was drugs that are trying to |
| 209 | 3 | 9.11.19 The past 2 days here challenged me but I'm on the mend. Howard will give me money to live for the next 6 weeks. My cold has gone to my chest - bronchitis - I must stop |
| 210 | 2 | me... I just don't know if we can make it work. It sucks but there is not much I can do right now in this moment but pray for guidance from the universe higher power. Feeling |
| 211 | 5 | It's 6am in the morning rainy foggy outside but bright clear inside this head of mine. I had a pretty amazing God momenthigher power moment. Woke up at 5:30am and for some |
| 212 | 0 | [blank page — scan only] |
| 213 | 5 | Poignant Advice - "My drug addiction was meant to turn down that kind of intensity. Whether it's intense joy or intense involvement in working." "Part of it was the intensity - |
| 214 | 2 | Now I am aware of the experience of suddenly having a silence when the reality floods in everyday. It gave me a model for experiencing the world in a way that the intensity, |
| 215 | 5 | We describe it to ourselves as one thing or another so I'm learning more more how to describe that feeling not as anxiety or fear - but as joy. You can feel it as joy most when |
| 216 | 2 | I am feeling intense sadness feeling homesick interestingly I only have 3 more nights and two more days. I may ask if I can leave go home on Tuesday evening - not too sure I |
| 217 | 4 | Feelings - those mother fuckers I think I'm going to ask to leave on Tuesday morning afternoon. Or maybe I stay thru Wednesday Going to give it up to a higher power ask that |
| 218 | 4 | I realized the pain that was caused today. Funny how things surface. It's been a long while since I have been sober for 14 days. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9- 10, 11, 12. 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, |
| 219 | 3 | That was a first for me. There were children by my side on my back and Howard was my love. There was justice, passion, clarity, responsibility, love, hope, and a deep sense of |
| 220 | 1 | I have learned processed a lot while here in just the two weeks I've been away. I've learned my triggers, learned some useful DBT skills, re-iterated and proved to self just |
| 221 | 1 | to health wellness. I need to be there for the kids, for my parents, for Howard for myself. This needed to happen it was the perfect timing - divine intervention. I will |
| 222 | 4 | My last full day on magic mountain. I am so grateful for this gift of recovery. I know I have my higher powerconsciousnessguardian angels by my side for the first time feel as |
| 223 | 3 | The poison shit polluting my precious body. It's been 7 days without a cigarette 16 days without any substances in this body of mine. Keep going moving ahead to a healthier |