Ashley Biden Diary — complete transcription

January - The end of a New Year month. I am sitting in a bed @ the I-building - actually loving the freedom yet support I feel outside my doors.

Florida seems safe + comforting to me. I am supposed to map out the rest of my years -

5 years, 3 years, 1 year.

I am also trying to sort out my life - what is it that I want + need? Focused on myself this time around but like a kid with Aspergers unsettled in the change.

I obviously don't know what the future holds but also don't know where I'll be - but I would like to remain sober - although getting high - like an Aspergers kid.

I am slowly healing in new ways - this past time was a relapse that maybe I needed.

As Lisa said, "this is just part of your journey" + that feels right.

I concentrated on Kevin last time + not myself. This time going to be different. I may go see a movie today. I don't have ADD, do I?

I've made peace with all of it — somehow. Maybe it was just time — maybe this is how you mend + heal, By giving time + walking through it.

I want to imagine a different, or rather more fulfilled life for myself. It definitely involves sobriety + making some hard concrete decisions in the next four months.

1. Been sober from c + hard for a year!

2. Working on livelihood as main job/project.

3. Living? Florida weather, but home is where my family is...

4. Super solid single - or beginning to date/find romance

5. Not in relationship limbo

6. Eggs frozen/harvested/ pregnant.

7. Fucking non-smoker

8. Exploring other opportunities + taking them - for career

9. No debt + credit built.

I know that adventure must be added to my sobriety list -

And it is. I am jumping in shower, going to get my car + then see where the day takes me.

What is my #1 goal today?

Attend 2 meetings?

Do something fun for self. Movie?

Today is the day - a day - to start a new. To start over again.. I have been pre-occupied with thoughts of K. But he is in no position to give me what I need. His life has been turned upside down by not seeing his daughter. And if I care for him despite the fact that he played - unintentionally with my heart - I will let him go. My strategy? He is gay. It broke my heart to see him in this place. I think what keeps coming up for me is

me is my brothers. How I don't have them in my life anymore.

I'm looking forward to starting my clinical week. Really diving into therapy and working on the parts of me that need love, support, and tenderness. What does that look like? Well for starters it begins with truly letting go of all expectations.

It involves me engaging actively in the program with my sponsor. Going to meetings, following the advice of clinical staff, praying, meditation - you did so well training your mind to be quiet.

I have to be abstinent. I can't, don't want to, fight this anymore.

It involves focusing on all that I need to focus on.

It involves being around + being with the people who are available to love me + give me support.

It involves true letting go — surrender. Emotionally + spiritually on my knees. It involves doing the work + doing it well.

I think my age plays into all of this - 37 + about to turn 38 without children, husband, a clear path forward.

Not ready or wanting to let go of the comfortability of home

It's the trying to deal with extremes. Do I cut off entirely + not talking - in my mind make it "over". What is the healthy way to be? It's either all or nothing - how do I cope with the unknown + let it go? Wanting to reach out + share - my life with others.

How do I sort out?

What if I know in my gut that it's no longer there?

What are the good things?

Can you forgive self for engaging?

Yes. It happened. Even though
I made it happen.

What were positive things about it happening?

- I like/can feel passion/sex
- Attraction is important

What is the residual?

- Wanting to have sex
- To avoid dealing with emotions?

Why can't be with him?

- Not emotionally available
- Dealing with daughter/wife
- Dealing with Howard
- Emotional immaturity
- Unstable

^
down's
up's

- Letting another person control emotional states

- Feels harsh - "all + then nothing @ all"

- Rollercoaster

- Giving over my power

- He could die - another loss. What can I do to improve?

- Not reach out via text and/or phone

- Not deliberately try to be around him.

- He is dangerous for me right now.

- Letting go, + letting God.

- Do opposite of instinct

Have this bizarre conundrum -

life is so short - don't waste it

+ grab what you want. Go for it.

VS.

Let time be. Time will heal. Time is on side + only way

But

What if I don't feel like I have a lot of time?

So ... simplify.

It's been a strange weekend what I feel in my gut is that it's over — @ least for now + probably a long time. What I know now is that he is hurting, doesn't respect my mind enough, think I have anything to offer, thinking I am obsessive (I am); compulsive (I am); and clingy. But those are only parts of me — only parts of the disease. As a service, I need to let go for him. And I am — but I still want to be his friend. Although is that possible?

Is it possible to just be a friend? Time will tell. I am feeling stronger by the day + really trying to keep the focus on me + have faith. Real faith. That things will work out + be/I will live a life beyond my wildest dreams.

I will for now, use the fellowship as my higher power. I am going to do 90 in 90. Will make the 7am meeting tomorrow @ crossroads and have a full day of therapy + focus. I get a massage tomorrow too.

I think he is rather immature - he gets uncomfortable being around me and I hate that.

His entire disposition has changed - and he did say that it won't be like that forever. But the guy who I thought I was falling for is no longer here. It's just not him anymore.

I want sobriety at all costs — I am willing to go to any lengths to get it. I want a miraculous life — filled with things, people, + places I love.

A few things that were said in meeting that resonated with me -

1. Accept your powerless - over situations. The more I try to hold on, the more I will lose.

2. Align values + virtues with who you are - in all that you do.

What do I value -

1. Integrity

2. Honesty

3. Passion

4. Kindness - random too.

5. Respect

6. Love

7. Family

8. Humor/fun

9. Compassion

10. Justice/equity/equality

I do value myself. I value the woman I am. But I'm not honoring her.

I also think that we won't end up being together — I have no more illusions. Things that really make me wonder/quiver — and I saw it the first night I was with him. When he kicked me out of the car + left me to walk home.

1. Doesn't give a damn really — super self-centered.

2. Never asks about you or follows up on anything — can't be bothered.

3. Constantly spilling — could be something else thought so not trying to be judgemental

4. His looks sometimes make me uncomfortable

Bottom line: I don't think he was who I thought he was.

What I focus on, grows -

So that's all I am going to say for now -

I have to get up early for meeting - 90 in 90.

I am grateful for another day.

I am grateful for my father.

I am grateful for the bird that sang outside my window when I asked for Beauie.

He is here with me.

Dear Kevin,

When I first met you, I felt an instant yet unattainable attraction. I was also surprised + happy that there was someone my age - from my area - + felt a familiarity.

The first week of treatment you were gone and I was focused on myself but in the back of my mind - I wondered when you were coming back.

We spent that Friday together + again I felt a mutual attraction - this is where it all began.

The text messages - flirtatious in nature -

The first night we were going to meet, I didn't call you - and as I was walking home let you know that I didn't think it was a good idea. You were disappointed saying I left you "hanging" + so I gave in + we met.

Kissing you for the first time - was magic. I remember thinking that I could just kiss you forever - and one thing led to another and we entangled in each others arms + had mind blowing sex. Towards the end - your wife called and you rushed to kick me out of

The car - I smoked a cigarette while you sat in the car talking to him - and I remember thinking this is a disaster. You came out + told me you had to go - could drive me home but I insisted on walking.

I cried on my way back - thinking about how incredible an experience but how awful the ending felt. As if I had just been used for sex - a street walker - there was no peace in my heart.

A familiar feeling came over me + I vowed to let it be.

You text me how sorry you were for how it went down and asked if you could make it up to me.

And so it continued.

Your text messages + sentiments became stronger through the next few weeks.

My last day with you we/I cried as you held my face + told me that the future was unknown...

We made the decision to not communicate over the holidays - you wrote me a few mornings later - the 23rd - - saying how much you missed me.

Said

you knew you shouldn't contact me but couldn't help yourself - that you wanted me to know you were sleeping on the couch + I hadn't left your mind.

The texts + sexting continued from there - sending each other pictures + making sweet promises.

You begged me to see you the wk of the 12th. Saying it would be a "crime" to not see what still existed outside the bubble.

I was conflicted - b/c I didn't want to be a mistress + honestly didn't want to be "that" woman to your wife.

But I came back to Ocean Drive conflicted + needed to process - both Josey + Randal were out that week + I let it out after being told to "talk about it" - that it would release the power.

I became more confused + ashamed of letting our business out in the open.

A few days before New Years - you text me @ 5am + began speaking sexually - then ended abruptly + it felt bizarrely familiar again - I felt used + thought it was selfish.

I may not have been experiencing a good sex life @ home but I did have a partner who thought about me + my needs before his. I wrote you a text that you should concentrate on being @ home. "How can you see if anything possible with your wife when you sexting me @ 5am?" You asked me to "let you think about it" and hours later said you thought I was right. But that you still wanted to see me on the 12th weekend. Our conversations/contact got more sparse.

I have to admit that although it's what I had said, it wasn't what I wanted.

I text you on the 8th /9th to ask about the 12th weekend + you responded that you were conflicted + didn't think it was best.

I broke down + numbed my feelings in cocaine. We didn't speak for the next 10/12 days + I grieved what I thought was sycroncity — the spark I had desired for so long — I was finally coming around to letting it all go with you + then receive

a text on Tuesday the 22nd - "You haven't left my mind - I relapsed" I am ok + going to Caron - no needles - my wife is divorcing me. Wish you were here.

I'd like to get sober + try with you... but if you don't I'll understand - I guess I wanted this to happen on some level. It was what I was had wished for - but no-(minus relapse) but didn't think it was possible.

On Friday the 25th - you once again went radio silent saying you needed time to figure shit out.

I want to make it very clear that I 100% agree that you can only focus on self right now. Your'e life is @ stake -

So where do we go from here?

I have been working on letting go but I don't want to resent you. I am here for sexual trauma + loss - both you have healed + hurt. I have a part in all of this - that is my work.

How I let myself get involved with unavailable men who can't give me what I need. Maybe this was a fantasy I created in my head. Maybe you too are like a drug - addicted to the feeling of being 'safe' - made by another or the fact that the sex

1/30/19 So thankful that January is almost over — ce la vie!

1.27.19 is my date + goddamn it it better be my last. I've had one of my hardest days — my sex drive is out of fucking control. Like literally, I am in heat. I told Kevin the truth about how I was feeling — felt exposed + vulnerable so didn't go to dinner. Needed a break from seeing him. We are supposed to have a therapy session on Monday and I am still unsure of it all. There is a piece of me that wishes

I didn't have to do it. But maybe it would be healing and then again maybe it would open up more wounds that will take me longer to adjust + get over with.

I am going to give it a few days + see how I feel.

I erased his number from my phone - so can't contact him unless he is to contact me which he won't.

I think I need to have sex in order to feel good about not having sex + to get it over with. Neil's friend is a sex addict which might work out well.

I know it's not the healthiest way to deal with things but @ least it's better than drugs.

I am focused on myself + my needs + sex seems - @ least at this moment to be one of them. I don't know if I even need to kiss a guy - just come over + fuck me - sober.

I think I'm going to go to the AA meeting tomorrow night. And maybe he will be there? Maybe not. But I have always been boy crazy.

I remember pulling up my skirt in 2nd

grade and showing the boys my underpants. Hyper-sexualized @ a young age. What is this due to? Was I molested. I think so - I can't remember specifics but I do remember trauma - I remember not liking the Woolzacks house; I remember somewhat being sexualized with Caroline; I remember having sex with friends @ a young age; showers w/ my dad (probably not appropriate); Being turned on when I wasn't suppose to be. I

remember the Q-tips - I hated getting my ears clean; bathing my vagina due to overhearing parents having sex;

what made me so attached?

- My mother not emotionally available
- My father was - message - I could get love from men.
- "I'm not your mother"
- Blanket being taken away
- Not letting myself go to bathroom
- Being wiped until too late in the game
- I could list all the reasons
- But I can't seem to find

in my life. Today, I feel it isn't necessary to have a convo with him - what's the point? I would rather have the mistake + take the lesson. What did he teach me? - That intimacy is so important to me. - That falling head over heels isn't necessarily healthy - That I choose men who are unavailable to me. He also taught me about my own pathetic/immature/needy behavior that I would like to change. I don't need to be needy. I need to be self-assured +

confident that I can + will have what I desire.

What do you desire?

- Livelihood 2.0 - Financial independence

- A brown haired man who is affectionate, stable, + kind + smart to live my life with

- Children - A family of some kind

- A happy, adventurous, + passionate life with a happy, adventurous, + passionate partner.

When I am certain that I'd rather be alone than with just anyone - I will find him. Or he will find me.

Prayer

"Please whoever you are
Please keep sober today"

"Thank you for keeping me sober

pg Upon awakening + @ dawn 86

pg. 417 Acceptance

Big Book-

AA Big Book App - Free

Text - Everyday

Pro's + Con's

Praying to be ok - to love self. Help me love me.

Other Assignments -

1. 5 Gratitude each day - nothing can purchase

2. Pro's + Con's list of Kevin

3. Affirmations

4. Set boundaries for me

Reason, season, lifetime.

Pro's

Con's

Not feeling safe anymore

Feels guilty - both of us

No undying commitment to another

Not available to meet my needs

Long distance

No romance or real intimacy

Doesn't know who he is yet.

More time focused on something that may go nowhere.

1. Open to seeing/exploring if separated

2. Open to intimacy again in future

3. No back + forth with my emotions

4. Needs to be sober to engage

5. Being honest with me about state of affairs — is he really unhappy

6.

The last day of January — for some reason the 27th just sticks in my head as being a great day. My ego always in the way

I met a woman @ meeting last night + she was holding a baby — 2 months old. She doesn't look like me, don't know how educated, just totally different. Yet she

helped me more today than anyone has — maybe I was ready to receive it all. I am so grateful. I feel as if a weight has been lifted. One day @ a time.

9am — gym 10am — Shower/home 11:30am - Lunch @ men's house 2:45pm - Single process + blow out 5pm - Dinner? 7 or 8pm - Meeting Hang with Neil?

Sunday 7:30am - gym/boxing Beach with Beau 11:30am - Brunch @ women's house Beach during the day Meeting @ some point - 5:30pm - Dinner Superbowl @ guy's house

Monday Clinical schedule.

He actually texted me the first time last night to tell me he is glad I had a good day on Beau's Birthday. I have a therapy session with him tomorrow — which makes me nervous but I think will provide closure for both of us - it's been a rollercoaster of a ride - I guess tonight I will figure out what I want to ask + what I want to say...

He is home today signing papers for his new house. I am staying an extra week + will go home next Monday.

group although I don't want to - started hanging out with a new guy, Eric, who has been through a lot and is clean + sober these days. He lives in Florida. And he is so cute... has his own style and swag.

It's been refreshing to be able to kiss another man -- he is a great kisser. And he is calming + sweet. I can tell we both could fall for one another -- And that's a little scary but taking it day by day b/c you never know what the future holds --

I'm thinking about a move

$ 45,200. I

down to Florida to get my 6 months under my belt. I could wrap things up @ home + make a move. But I'm going to stay in the present. Stay in today

I have a lot of work to do in the next week + am going to focus on - getting it done.

Babs leaves on Wednesday - I am so grateful for her friendship - she has been my rock + keeps me happy. I'll finish out the week here + then go home -

Moving to Florida

Pro's

Recovery community
Weather
Time to be w/ people who don't use
Away from family drama
Space to focus on only me
Leaving job
Time/space to figure out marriage
Sponsor here

Con's

Away from Athena
Away from family
Leaving job
Don't move for a man

I honestly think he is out of my system — the man who he was — with me — is no longer. Neil had a meltdown + said I was putting others @ risk, was full of shit about my own recovery, and couldn't be in my life anymore — take care.

What I realize is that I've been trying to re-create a relationship with my brother that is no longer in existence. I need to confide in women and not men.

Started spending time with Eric — I like my time with him. He is easy, fun, smart, sweet +

gives attention that I know I need. It's like each relationship get me closer to where I want to be. Showing me more + more of what I want.

I won't see him tonight. And that's ok b/c I'm exhausted + I'm sure Neil has also gotten in his ear.

Did I mention that Kevin is an after thought? Kevin gave me what I sexually needed but not emotionally. I can see now that he wouldn't provide the love, support, + attention. He doesn't have the empathy needed or the sweet side —

I know that Eric does but also know that Eric isn't ready for a relationship + has been known to drift outside. I am not sure what to do with how I am feeling other than focus on myself + let it be.

I so wish I could see him tonight — just lay with him but it will be too late + I need to prepare myself for him abruptly walking away = -

Owning my power + realizing that
unlimited happiness resides within.

He didn't call last night + it worried
me - became a little pre-occupied
and I didn't like it. So today
I focus on continuing to own
my power and not attach to
him to make me feel better.

He said he left phone in car
but who knows - I have faith
that I will be led to the
person + down the path that
is right for me. I am
working on letting/not letting
others control me or my

emotions - it's not a healthy space to be.

The truth is - everything I thought I knew - ended up not being entirely accurate. Kevin was soulmate + we were going to end up together etc...

what I know now is that — feelings change, situations change, + I am looking for - stability in myself. I don't know - much but do know that I am - on my way to finding it.

What is my part in this? My part is

that I spoke to too many people about

my situation with Kevin. I asked for

too many opinions and tried to get

validation that I am good enough, sexy

enough, hot enough etc... And for

that I am sorry. It's over with

Kevin and he has to deal with

his own drama. I don't think

after this that I will be able to

look at him the same way

again. I am going to walk away

from this all with my head held

high. Kevin is emotionally

It's not what I want anymore - so maybe that's the gift in this all and the lesson that I should only tell people I trust and who have my back - about anything.

It's about being a woman and not the little girl. I think I re-victimize myself over + over again. I should never talk to men about sex or any of that bullshit.

He came over this morning - he fell asleep with his phone on vibrate. I over-reacted + now see how I can get so ahead of myself. In my mind, he was on a boat with other women and ignoring all my texts. I think he is nervous too about where this goes - and I get it - but I will only do everything with kindness one day @ a time.

The morning. Early mornings. Kevin didn't come to dinner last night — he has been avoiding me like the plague — mean, cold, + distant. I guess that's his go-to and better I find out while here. His behavior + words manipulative - I'm not great at dealing with all of this yet I have tried. + am trying. I keep thinking that a move down here will be good for me — but then I question myself.

I don't want to move down here for anyone, any relationship, and need to make sure I'm making the right move - literally. I trust no one. It just really goes to show - you don't know someone until time passes.

| good | Bad/ugly

Sex Emotionally unavailable
Looks Back + forth
Standing Not able to communicate Appears one way, acts another

Manipulative
Contempt
Stonewalling
Cheats on wife
Gas Lighting
Ego

Not affectionate
Immature
Harsh

What are the qualities that I know I need in a partner?

1. Affection 2. Kindness 3. Sweetness 4. Sweet Nothings 5. Humor/Laughing 6. Attraction 7. Intimacy 8. Passion 9. Loyalty 10. Trust/honesty/vulnerability 11. Stability but adventure 12. Adoration 13. Intellectual curiosity 14. Independence 15. Curious about me

He is still in love with his girlfriend - what the fuck - honestly.

I'm an incredible catch + don't know if he's just trying to fill a hole - Have a difficult time being alone

although last night woke up feeling sick to stomach + that I was getting sick - wanted to be alone.

This recovery thing takes a while to set in each time.

And the situation with Kevin is a blessing in disguise because I am getting over it all.

He is up one minute + down the next - he is not kind + has treated me...

me like an asshole - and still

I remain kind b/c that's what

I want to be but I do know

that I now have boundaries -

+ no longer possess these intense

feelings. They have faded away -

even my desire to be around

him. And so...

It's manipulation has it's finest -

we will learn a great truth -

The plan will happen in spite of

us - not b/c of - us. Sexual

abuse for sure - weak boundaries

The day ended up on a positive note. Had a great clinical day.

The lesson that I learned is I am either completely "put together" and could run the group OR I am the 6 year old little girl on the bench. There needs to be a happy medium. I don't have to be completely closed off or completely immature, dependent, and young. A good skill for me is when I am feeling the little girl want to respond - I acknowledge her. "I am Ashley Blazer Biden + I recognize

My 5 year old self: I acknowledge her but the grown-up version of me is now going to address her while caring for her.

I was given the hunger games to read as an assignment.

Kevin is actually coming around + being sweeter. It's interesting how there are two very distinct sides of me that I would like to meld together.

Tomorrow is going to be a great day. Getting up early, meditating - boxing, - full - clinical day and meeting with sponsor - then meeting - business meeting.

I probably won't see Eric tomorrow + I'm ok with that. It's getting easier to find my time + space - with only myself. I wish I had 2 more weeks here to really hone what I am starting to learn.

But - going to make the most of my time and plan on making a move down here. It's only going to be temporary - although I do love my time @ home.

I want to spend the weekend with Eric if possible - I will be finished the program Friday + leave on Monday.

The transition will be difficult for me — this I know for sure —

But I have much to do — in the limited time here/there + it's time to make moves

Schedule for tomorrow —

6:30 — wake up/coffee shower

7:30am — leave for gym

Hour to do treadmill, stretch + meditate

8:30-9am — Boxing

Shower Group

let it die + that what will be — in the future — will be. The only way it will re-ignite is if one of us — both of us — re-engage. But, I wonder if he has boundaries for me. If he'd rather I not reach out in the future — letting it go. Dissolve + taking the lessons learned. Finding the silver lining in all the chaos. I keep my heart open — + I find solace in that to hurt was never my intention and I deserve more than what is being offered. I am a warrior princess — with a lot to give.

Heart palpitations - Anxiety super increased. Started new drug that feels really off-putting.

I started feeling that, "Please don't go - will I see you again?" I miss him already.

Florida

Pro's

Con's

Old haunts
Friends who use
Know how to easily
access drugs
Family drama

Away from family
DE reminds me of
Beau Summers
away from home
Giving up security
(Also a pro)
People, places + things

Is Eric up to Howards or my parents standards? NO. He is a surfer — not highly educated - barely knows his grammar/ but he does know how to love — how to treat me like I need to be treated.

He gives affection in ways I only hoped Howard would. It is light + fun. I have to remember that these were the feelings associated with Kevin — and they passed.

I need to slow down + give myself time + space to breath. Maybe 6 wks away from him is actually not such a bad idea.

Feeling needy - ping ponging between men at this point - even though I am liking/interested at different times + for different reasons. But feeling out of sorts. Confused. Not knowing how to navigate this situation. I adore Eric but he is young, immature, and not entirely motivated. He is my surfer dude - reminds me of Jamie Alano. The good news is that I don't have to make any decisions now. Although it feels as though I do. I put a lot of pressure on myself to figure

everything out. If dad runs it truly messes up everything with homeboy. It all makes me nervous.

But that's not happening today - I have to stay in the moment - It all feels heavy but need to keep it easy.

Feel sad today after seeing Howard. Maybe I do try + make this marriage work.

Write out plan —

Goals/planner —

Money/Financial —

Work - what - where —

Financially supported - How?

Weekly calls w/ Jonathan

Plan For Retreat -

1. Do I announce that resigning?
2. Get to know you
3. SWOT Analysis
4. Where we are + where are we going?

I am letting fear control me +
my next moves. I have to have
faith that I will be able to
make it happen. Am I doing this
for the right reasons? Am I
making sound decisions. How will
I know without staying sober +
moving on from a place of love,
hope, + clarity. Fear has taken
over me. Fear is the opposite -

with + none of which keeps me sober. I must figure something out sooner than later. Maybe I can see if my parents would give me a loan? I don't know where to turn - maybe I turn to Bobby McGlinn? I feel as though I need $ to be able secure my livelihood - I don't know what to do anymore. Who can help with funding?

1. Bobby McGlinn

2. Howard

3. Mom + Dad

4. Babs?

Sat, Sun, Monday, Tuesday

How am I here?

Feels crazy. All anxiety producing. Nothing I can do about it today. But do the best I can + take it one day, one hour, at a time.

I told Kristin that I am resigning as ED + she was shocked. But super supportive. I have to have faith that this will all work out. I must have faith.

Rx - 10504159

Rx - 10453048 *

Rx - 10473818

Rx - 10489404

Rx - 10485587

Rx - 10608554

Rx - 10497336

Twas the night before solitude

and all through the house... not

a creature was stirring, not

even a mouse. Preparing for the

unknown... I feel like maybe I

should get a hotel room - a little

limited on money at the moment.

Babs would assist if need be.

I'll figure it out. I'm assuming

he is still picking me up?

I'm just going with the

flow. He was angry as fuck

tonight on the phone. I do

pray he isn't using.

His phone is off. I would feel responsible on some level.

I have to lean into all this discomfort and find my way —

It's just cloudy right now.

What's going on — in here?

Should I try to call him back?

Maybe this is my respite. But, it will feel different not having my own place?

Why am I going to stay with him?

A peaceful place. It snowed this morning and so I slept in and missed my flight. Eric is being bizarre - states he is sick but I actually think he used the other day. I can't really know what's going on b/c I am in DE and he isn't being very responsive.

I feel bizarrely in a space of confusion yet peace. Trying to find my footing - on my own this time. Who thought I would be single + childless @ age 37 - maybe I did?

Day one for me. It just makes sense for my life, mood, energy, and future.

There is no rhyme or reason. Well there is a reason + those reasons are greater than my desire to use.

It really is about taking my life by the hands and dancing - moving to the beats of life - finding my rhythm and waltzing back to myself - my wants, my needs, my desires.

I actually think he relapsed + isn't telling me. It hurts my heart to think that he is using + that I may have triggered it.

Boredom is deadly for me. It is the main reason for use - But not going to give in this time around. I have to stay strong during this next chapter of my life. With or without anyone by my side + most importantly when no one is by my side.

Sobriety is the last link to true freedom. It's the last chance I have @ making my dreams

come true and I can't do anything to jeopardize it.

Some people come in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Maybe Kevin came into my life for a reason; Neil came into my life for a few seasons + homeboy came into my life for the unknown.

How much can I write out of sheer boredom?

2-6-19 Mercury Retrograde. Pisces. That's the reason and here's to a new season.

I did it. I changed the trajectory of my world for a short period of time or forever.

I did something for me, by me, and to me. I gave myself a gift. The gift of self love + respect. I manifested it all. Those powers are real. And I am learning how to use them for the good of myself.

Grateful today. Really grateful.

2.6.19 First day of Lent. Giving it up to my higher power. Went to a meeting with Hallie + "Raise me up on Eagles Wings" was playing in the background. Kevin Lenane text that he was sorry for how he treated me. Overall today was a good day - I am grateful for 1) Hallie 2) Chorus 3) Apologies 4) Time 5) The strength to be alone.

First full 24 hours and feeling good - settled. Went to a morning meeting with Hallie. She has been great since I got home + I am super grateful. Let go, let God. One day @ a time. It will all work out if I let it. Eric is still in detox and gets released this time tomorrow. I am feeling neutral with the entire situation. I'm not obsessing or concerned - I know life will bring me what I need in time. It's trusting the process + letting go -

I have a call with mom + dad this evening @ 8pm. I have to practice patience + tolerance for their feelings + all that is said.

And so, we start again. This really gets old. I am getting old. I had to block Kiaddi b/c it just isn't good for the two of us to hang out. I am red, inflamed, and staying indoors today b/c I have to. Eric left detox + called me this morning. He seems

sweet, distant, tired, and confused. It's a lot with me moving and dad potentially running. I'm going to a meeting at some point today. I will not continue down this path or live this wasteful life.

Addiction tears lives apart. Keeps people in a cycle of nothingness, anxiety, and worry. I am committed to this new way of life. Via my actions.

I feel different this time -

I feel 'ok' with being alone + doing things on my own. This shift came in Florida when I was forced to figure it out on my own. I'm not scared like I used to be however I do have moments of doubt. Am I making the right move? Leaving behind my dog, my family, my home. I do feel like a change of scenery could do me good but I do wonder if I will get lonely.

Joe Biden without question has the best chances in a general election. That is what the news is reporting now.

I think it might be the road to recovery — I've been vulnerable + being courageous as I can be.

3/12/19

stop doing it- it makes no sense. Eats away at my self-esteem + I am isolated for days at a time. I had all these plans for today + finally was feeling good again. But when I feel good is when I'm in danger. The difference this time around was that I told Elizabeth, mom, + dad this morning. Mom + dad worried but incredibly supportive. I am so lucky to have them on my side. They've never given up on me.

E has also been so supportive he asked if he could come + stay with me for the next few days - timing is off + not right but a sweet gesture.

It's kind of nice to have someone who understands my struggle + who doesn't shame me but rather lifts me up and continues to encourage me.

Howard is absolutely seeing someone else he doesn't call, doesn't really care + is pre-occupied half the time. I guess the same is happening for me +

so I can't really make a stink about it — although I am hurt beyond belief. When I think about the fact that he didn't come visit me in treatment, I am actually crushed. He gave up on us the moment I went away + that's just the reality of it all.

I miss my doggie — wish she was here with me. I picked + so that doesn't make sense to see him. What a crazy transitional period in my life. I feel so out of sorts. So disconnected from my former

life + @ the same time there is a lightness - of doing things differently - finding a new way to live. Making it on my own. Depending on myself for life.

Feeling stronger + better than I was - yesterday was a doozy. Today I feel slightly anxious and not particularly grounded. There is the voice inside me that wants me to get . . . but it's never been different. It never works out

the way I planned. It's insane and my ability to forget despite negative consequences is what you call addiction. The restlessness is real. The limbo feels super unsettling and I long for peace. Trying to take the vain approach - that it negatively impacts my looks, hair, face, body, and overall health how quickly I forget though + think it would be a good idea. When the consequences cause me so much pain. Angela is in rare form this past week.

She has been moody + completely unavailable. I'm just ready to move away from all the drama.

Going to spend the next few weeks - two to be exact - getting myself as healthy as possible for my trip down. Starting yoga again on Monday and hope will continue.

Hallie + Natalie go to Abu Dhabi for the Special Olympics so will be gone the entire week.

I think today I will organize my clothes + start sorting it all.

This day next week, I will be on my way to Del Ray beach Florida. I feel a little under prepared but not much I can do about it. I'm doing the best I can. I have to clean out my car entirely + pack it up I have so many clothes so it's going to be harder than I think.

I think I'm going to try + get to a yoga class today and/or tomorrow. Tonight I have dinner w/ Kate Boehner. I have to make sure I am keeping a tight budget — 40k to last me

broken into. But maybe we just drive through the night. If we leave @ 5 pm — there is a chance of getting there by the following morning. Plan for trip.

Sunday - make sure entire car is cleaned out.

Monday - get car oil changed + checked

Tuesday — Thursday — continue to organize clothes

Friday night/Saturday — pack the car

Feel overwhelmed by it all - moving

but in the right direction. A full

car to pack + a full week

ahead. Tomorrow I head to

DC for the day + then back

for yoga, more packing, etc...

I would like to imagine that

I'll be able to get almost

everything in my car. It's

just the process of what I

am going to take vs. what

to leave behind. All my stuff

getting throw around - things

@ my parents vs. things @

608 vs. things on my person.

I will say that sobriety is the ultimate way to go!

E is still trying to figure out his ticket home. When I get to Florida, going to dump entire contents into trash bags - I am going to have to make @ least 3 moves in next 6 months.

I am feeling uneasy about it all, Maybe this is how it's suppose

to feel - feeling as if this is completely normal. If I didn't have high emotions and it's first day of nothing than this is to be expected. E has been distant - feel as though feelings changing - and for some reason feel that it all has to do with his ex.

I've just been feeling some type of way lately. Being w/ Athena has brightened up my

week and I was going to

give her back to Howard tomorrow -

but when will I see my girl again. April probably. I can't believe I leave in 6 days. I am now going on Sunday - but that may change.

I went to the Hamilton Hotel and saw the uniforms I designed. They look great! It is exciting to say the least but for some reason not as excited as I should be. I think it's a mixture of things. I'm going to go to yoga tonight + hopefully even out a bit - let the zen in. I'm I making

7.28.19

OK baby - time to buck up. I am calling in all the troops and hunker down for 3 days.

Today is Friday - the start of a new weekend and I am fully ready, geared up, and in shape to take this battle on full throttle. Today I am most likely not going anywhere but I will say that tomorrow you have no choice. You are going to start working the program - following all recommendations to a T

and really - I'm ready for it.

No more talk - only action.

No weed - possibly to get me through today but that's medication management.

It's going to be a great real new start - refresh. Hold up - let's do the damn thing.

There is a feeling - of the family I knew - certain smells - sounds - an overall being wrapped up in the coziest blanket. Memories of past times - when I felt safe + perfectly content. And that was ripped

out from me. Processing 35 years of one way and it's only be 4 years of another - completely new, discombobulated, piece-meal, and shattered. But it's about facing these new emotions with grace + dignity. That's all I can do @ this point.

I am slowly recovering from my last episode. It’s Day #3 and going to wait some time before jumping “in” again. It feels more organic to not focus solely on my addiction. But instead, to focus on my health + overall well-being.

This date deserve it's own page + special attention! Because it has been my most productive and happiest one for a few months.

Why might you ask? Sober, Day # 4, productive + non-stop since 9am. It is now 4pm. The full moon has passed + I am really trying to remain free today.

Why do you want to do anything that lowers your vibe + makes you feel like shit! You get 0 done + pick your face in the mirror the entire

time. Straight out of boredom. Maybe this time is telling me to slow down? I have jumped leaps + bounds to get here + why now making life complicated + stressful? Why sabotage a good thing. And it's such a waste of money, time, + energy. I'm making serious progress + don't need it all to be spoiled away by one quick, rash, + brutal decision.

How do I find peace around it all? Is there peace to be found?

I am going to be tested tomorrow, Fri, or

Sat and what lie am I going to have to tell? What do I do? It will pass. You want it to pass... keep holding tight + don't make arrangements for it again - no poking + prodding.

Today is day #4 after the hardest day to overcome. Well, the next few days but do you want to keep having to go through the "come through" phase - this is torture - over + over again. Stop the insanity. Put it all to rest. New moon, new attitude, new, new.

Here we go again! The anxiety + worry is palpable. I realize and understand that this is my journey and I need to figure it out for myself. I need to get clear and relaxed about my own recovery. I think the angry @ myself for letting myself + my parents down. I haven't figured out my working "formula" - I don't know - I haven't truly figured it out. Giving it "up" to God hasn't been working but I guess I've also been

giving "in" to the urges. And that's the first step in getting "clean" + "clear". It's sad the feelings I have produced in others.

My dad cried on the phone saying he has the debate in a week + "Now has to worry about you." And he cried. Maybe he knows what he is doing + it's worked but my feelings of guilt often are overwhelming.

I have to just do what is needed to stay determined, strong, + healthy. It's now out of my system.

I need to refocus my life + not let this addiction destroy me. It's all so sad. How much time + energy goes into the same topic over + over again. I am going to relax, do what I need to + keep it healthy!

health + wellness. It was a beautiful day + now absolutely pouring - thunderstorm!

I got a good night sleep + saw Jody today. Josey cancelled. Mom + dad in a much better space. My heart hurt to see them so upset.

My mindset has begun to change in that it's not about beating the drug test or using around it. It's about using the test as an additional safeguard which I am open to - with the understanding

that medical grade marijuana might also be in my system.

I have to do this not to avoid getting caught or failing but b/c I intrinsically + internally want to get there. I think I'm on my way.

Tomorrow's accessibility + set-up allows for me to partake but at what cost to me? What does it do for you? You end up with the following -

Tired, lethargic, moody, not thinking clearly

Unmotivated + sad.

Isolated/shame.

Why re-create what has been done to you b/c it's the only place that is "known" to me - it's what I've used to cope -

I made a promise. A promise to wait to use until next Wednesday and to attend one yoga class b/tw now + then. It's the habit of it all -

my aversion to authority + finding gaps in order to "trick, foul, or get way". I think I will continue for my parents sake + see how the next few weeks pan out.

But, it would be amazing if you examined your frame or lense - an outdated lense that doesn't serve the woman you want to become. The new lense is that it doesn't work towards your highest good. At least right now - is unable to be done with negative consequences to health + living. It pollutes your mind + your body - truly. It can cause damage to so many parts of your beautiful body. I sense a shift and it couldn't come

soon enough! I have so badly wanted to quit and I know it's a dangerous disease -- but I also know that maybe my path isn't traditional, I by no means mean that I a "special", "better", or "more important", it just mean that maybe I try something that resonates w/ me.

• Short term medication mgmt
• Yoga
• EMDR for resilience
• Long term psychotropic
• Body work
• Moving my body!
• Learning
• Getting involved in my hood.

This is the winning reaction and just must be done. The procrastination is really wearing on me. The imposter syndrome must go. The feeling of not being enough, giving enough, doing enough. Some of that is true - I'm not following thru or getting up despite _. But I do know that's directly linked to usage. The issue is this - Jamey has access + I love the first or second 'hit' but it's downhill from there. Stay in today. Stay present.

The last week of July is upon us. What do I desire for the month of August?

1. Getting involved in Pharma Recovery groups + obsatining for that girl for the entire month of August -- continuing from July.

2. Attend as many groups as possible + do the uncomfortable

3. Workout my body every day

4. Meditation every day

5. Relax into the unknown

6. Sort thru confining emotions

I'm ready

Today is the day - 101 - That's my plan today. The medication is helping stay positive.

Yesterday it was an overwhelming urge in my body. A restlessness so deep. What I realize is that access to any of it - touching the embers - ignites the fire. Once the first spark it's over. The house of recovery is burnt down. So - it's the only way to get rid of all contacts. So I know what I must do.

The other reason is finances - down to the wire.

It's a good day and I will keep on this journey. What's the difference this time around - new perspective. Wanting to be well. It's that time - and what a wonderful time it is.

The day was a wash but I am going to keep staying clean.

1 2 3 4 5) Thur Fri Sat Sun Mon Tues

The 5th day is def the worst. So if I calculate this right - the 5th day will be

This weekend, I want to do something that increases my wellness.

1. Foundation #5 1/2 body weight ounces 10 grips
2. Eat breakfast asap
3. Reduce sodium + sugar intake

Stress addiction has created
Money issues
Dodging/having to keep stories
Stress
Missed appointments
Cancelling entire days due to fear
Cleaning/mess
Having to lie/dodge
Waiting for it + aftermath

Day to day - am I going to ruin?
Crazed in moment to moment

Dissatisfaction - It's never enough. Always wanting more + panicking when realize it's over.

Stealing - no

Starting lying about addiction since age 13
Blatant - yes!
Always
Lied to: mom, dad, Howard, kids/ entire family.
Lied to myself

Extent is that haven't used or can.

Guilty or ashamed

- Have to deal with face
- Cancelling obligations
- Putting self in dangerous situations
- Spending $
- Lying about tests (one more time)

Worthiness

- Yes, not worthy of success
or my ideas about future.
- Worthy of heart
- Worthy of a healthy life

Fear of being caught?

- I should have feared it more

God
Sarah Bailey
Alyson
Kelly
Hallie
Hunter
Kathleen

Mom
Dad
Howard

Mom
Cousins
Kids

Aunt

Erin
Guilana
Harris
Newspaper

Why

Taking Beau
Body
Body

Body

Boo

Drugs + family
Drugs + family
meanness + not being aware/ judgmental

Dad

$, control

Being able to be
'normal'

Patronizing
Copying
Mischaracterizing
family

Relationship w/ dad
Andy + coolness
Dad comment
Debate

Spewing garbage

Howard Dad Mom Kids Hunter Beau

Friends

Motown Athena John Matt Matt Gregory

Addiction, lying, leaving
Hurting self, lying
Lying, not showing up
Being absent
Not backing him up
Not showing up, lying
using
Not showing up, being absent
Jumping
Leaving
Addiction
Cheating/lying
Cheating, lying
Using, lying

Self - Away from love - Weight - Health - Looks - Picking at face - Disappointing + not reliable - let self down, by letting others down - Don't take needed actions to move forward - Financially - Reputation - Ability to participate in life - Lie to self "It will be different this time" - Against value of integrity - Hurting career path

Isolated?

That's all it did. 3 years it took before went out. - Crazy anxiety. "lost" Not known to self. Disassociated. Constant fear/anxiety

August, 2 more months in Del Ray,

I do know it's time to go — lack of excitement, movement, + opportunity. Love Miami but think it's time to get back home

+ work on campaign. Headquarters in Philadelphia — spent good portion of that time on the road. The work is now. Nothing compares to that rush/high/ excitement of getting. I am searching for ways to escape.

I am actually pursuing chances/ times to do. Planning it all out — like tomorrow. I have

today. Proud of the young woman she is becoming. I feel grateful + proud to be her "auntie." The girls have been distant with me. Maybe it's my love for Hallie + continued support. I can't pressure them anymore to forgive.

Trying to hydrate + reboot my week ahead. Think it's fitting that Kelly would take the day or rather Mane.

So, I cleaned up today. Eric hopefully goes on with it.

I think I'm going to be home for at least a month - see how integration feels.

And I'll spend all of September down here - focused + healthy.

Really. That. Was. It! It's been a wave of emotions - ups + downs.

It's when I get overwhelmed - I tend to want to "escape" or shut down. The feeling just crept up and made me want to "run" + smoke - but I know that's not a great idea/option. So instead, I am writing about it. I am getting anxious about seeing Howard! It feels a little crazy. I've been so

used to being on my own + doing "me" + now have to think about others. There is anxiety + not sure where it comes from... maybe it's "lack" of having substances - it's been 5 full days. It's been the longest I've gone in awhile.

I think it might be good for me to run on the treadmill.

I've been waiting! Silly how this date has so much significance in my life. But it was the day I began the "clear vision" journey that has lasted now for 6 years. 6 years without drinking + somedays I miss it + other times, most times, I thank my lucky stars

Wise intention. Wise effort. Wise action. I feel like I am able + willing — that working girl/ceo in me — wants

to run recovery like a business. Making sure I get to a meeting everyday, workout my body, treat body with love + care. Do the next right/wise think.

Am I getting closer to peace + serenity or farther away from it? Tonight I will go to Refuge Recovery + be amongst some similar peeps.

I, so badly, want to give yoga another try- free my body from toxins.

I think I'm going to go home on Sunday + head back down Sunday/Monday evening.

I have a big week + one that
I am excited for - not much
to do until Monday.

Sunday - Home in DE
- discuss money w/ parents

Monday - Shore?

Tuesday - Call accountant re taxes

Wed -

Thurs -

Fri -

Sat -

Sun -

Today's theme was "denial" - to be compassionate for others denial + keep them safe + warm in comfort. That's what I am going to do for ang.

Howard is among the fishies! Day @ the beach with a book, sunscreen, + peace, went to a great NA meeting today! It was @ a local homeless shelter + I was the only woman not of color. I want to give back again. I see myself directly + positively impacting people's

lives for the better. I miss my work - but I also know that, that will only happen if I'm taking care of myself.

Today is technically Day 4 - The next few are slightly precarious - but I am going to get through.

My finances also need to be straightened out. But I am going to make movement in the financial responsible path + now that my higher power + manifestation will bring gifts + fruits to bear.

Today I make + choices that positively impact me + those I ♥

First day of September - usually my favorite month - the beginning of fall. The end to a long, hot, summer. I'm still trying to put the pieces back together. Figuring out my long-term plans while also trying to stay present + remind self that I'm exactly where I need to be. There are loose ends and sad conversations ahead of me. Getting on the same page as Howard, saying goodbye to Delray, figuring out financial arrangements and living set-up.

It's gotten better - don't feel so alone however it's still not where it should be. Been 3 weeks + still haven't slept with him.

Entire month @ home. It's been partly circumstance + partly choice. But something has to give + sooner the better.

The one thing I do know is that I spend entirely too much time on my phone - insta, FB, etc... so today I am going to take a break + not pick phone up until much later in day.

Everything is as it should be.

I expect + accept great abundance to come into my life.

Tired. Annoyed. Feeling un-courageous Defeated

Second day — now on unit. All the women are lovely + staff has been great. Feeling anxious as tonight is first debate on climate change. Feeling horrible about what I put/stress I just put my dad through. The idea of being 100% sober is appealing to me but foreign. My life sober — what does that look like? Productive, joy, healthy, purpose, passion.

I don't want to be here long - 14 days feels right but will have to see how that goes.

AHA

moment decided to use - accomplished something. No longer feel helpless could, would, take action that make me feel better.

Being in control, when so many things feel out of my control

Relieved when make initial decision

Husband = feeling no agency; no say; avoiding feelings for risk of conflict.

Spoke to Elizabeth about debate + she said he did "great" gave specific details + said was strong. This makes me incredibly happy. A sense of relief. Called Howard and there was no answer + so left a message.

Right now I am just going with the flow... Feeling sad but resigned. I am here + here is where I'm suppose to be. I am trusting that all will work out... giving it up to God. Missing both at the same time. Feeling that I so badly want to talk to Eric but know that this time + space away is good for me.

It's a re-commitment, a refresher to remind myself that I'm not alone. That I don't have to continue living in the obsession.

I am most likely going to experience intense cravings in day 5 or 6. But this time I will have a buffer. I won't be able to access + that two week period will be the longest I've gone in awhile.

I just mapped out + the results were a little shocking. I think the longest period of abstinence has been 10 days. Since basically March.

So what is it — it's picking up the first one. Once I do that all is downhill from there!

Feeling less anxious today. Just a little pissed at self. Feel slightly embarrassed + silly that I'm back in this spot but ultimately it was the courageous thing to do. My goal for

- Angry at press
- Sense of accomplishment - reward
- Feeling like I'm not being heard "powerlessness"
- Being around others who are high
- Boredom; lack of structure, free -
- "Opportunity to get 72 hr time period.

from last night + some New Orleans peeps. Kept getting phone calls from people who said that they wanted to kill me + was hiding all dream. Think it was drugs that are trying to kill me today is 6 days clean + sober.

Howard came to visit - it was lovely. First time in over a year. Sad that I've been in 3 places since then. Where do we go from here? I'm not entirely sure. Talked to Eric today and he seems lost in his future plans... afraid he will relapse... when I leave. I can't control his behaviors - I can't control anyone but myself. Today is Day # 5 + I can tell my cravings + irritability kicking in. Just gotta get through the next 9 days.

The past 2 days here challenged me but I'm on the mend. Howard will give me money to live for the next 6 weeks. My cold has gone to my chest - bronchitis - I must stop smoking. Tomorrow is the day Howard + I got engaged 8 years ago. I have a great feeling about the debate. Tomorrow is a good day + it was 8 years - it's a sign.

It's 6am in the morning — rainy + foggy outside but bright + clear inside this head of mine.

I had a pretty amazing God moment/higher power moment. Woke up at 5:30am and for some reason — picked up an article on the bookshelf — wasn't visible just in one of those slots. Was going to read the Judy Collins article but instead was drawn to an article wrote by David Black

Not only did he has the same DOC as me but he said a few things that have resonated with me more than most. He also used like I had.

I am feeling intense sadness/ feeling homesick + interestingly I only have 3 more nights and two more days. I may ask if I can leave + go home on Tuesday evening - not too sure I should push it or request it. What's a few more hours although would be so nice to go home. I think it's due to me not smoking - dopamine levels have plummeted.

They say that day # 3 is the hardest. Although I want to look it up on the internet.

The poison + shit polluting my precious body.

It's been 7 days without a cigarette + 16 days without any substances in this body of mine.

Keep going moving ahead to a healthier life filled with wellness.