# Ashley Biden Diary — complete transcript Archive: Pages: 224 Markdown corpus. Blank pages are marked and carry no transcription. --- ## Page 0 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 1 1 · 25 · 19 January - The end of a New Year month. I am sitting in a bed @ the I-building - actually loving the freedom yet support I feel outside my doors. Florida seems safe + comforting to me. I am supposed to map out the rest of my years - 5 years, 3 years, 1 year. I am also trying to sort out my life - what is it that I want + need? Focused on myself this time around but like a kid with Aspergers unsettled in the change. I obviously don't know what the future holds but also don't know where I'll be - but I would like to remain sober - although getting high - like an Aspergers kid. --- ## Page 2 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 3 What we pay attention to grows + so what if I tried another strategy - to acknowledge when really hurting or just pretend + put out my consciousness. 1.26.19 So open your eyes to a new light -> I have wandered around your darkened land all night. Cried this morning because I realize that part of this thick pain in my heart is related to the fact that I don't have either brother as part of my life. That's a heavy, sad truth. It's raining here in Florida - I-building. Actually nice to be in I-building - don't have to deal with the chaos of it all. --- ## Page 4 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 5 I am slowly healing in new ways - this past time was a relapse that maybe I needed. As Lisa said, "this is just part of your journey" + that feels right. I concentrated on Kevin last time + not myself. This time going to be different. I may go see a movie today. I don't have ADD, do I? I've made peace with all of it — somehow. Maybe it was just time — maybe this is how you mend + heal, By giving time + walking through it. I want to imagine a different, or rather more fulfilled life for myself. It definitely involves sobriety + making some hard concrete decisions in the next four months. --- ## Page 6 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 7 A year from now... January 2020 1. Been sober from c + hard for a year! 2. Working on livelihood as main job/project. 3. Living? Florida weather, but home is where my family is... 4. Super solid single - or beginning to date/find romance 5. Not in relationship limbo 6. Eggs frozen/harvested/ pregnant. 7. Fucking non-smoker 8. Exploring other opportunities + taking them - for career 9. No debt + credit built. --- ## Page 8 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 9 I know that adventure must be added to my sobriety list - And it is. I am jumping in shower, going to get my car + then see where the day takes me. What is my #1 goal today? To see if you can not smoke a cigarette - without others - Babe. Only Do not contact Kevin Attend 2 meetings? Do something fun for self. Movie? --- ## Page 10 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 11 1.27.19 Today is the day - a day - to start a new. To start over again.. I have been pre-occupied with thoughts of K. But he is in no position to give me what I need. His life has been turned upside down by not seeing his daughter. And if I care for him despite the fact that he played - unintentionally with my heart - I will let him go. My strategy? He is gay. It broke my heart to see him in this place. I think what keeps coming up for me is --- ## Page 12 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 13 me is my brothers. How I don't have them in my life anymore. I'm looking forward to starting my clinical week. Really diving into therapy and working on the parts of me that need love, support, and tenderness. What does that look like? Well for starters it begins with truly letting go of all expectations. Committing myself to reality @ all costs - knowing this is where I will find ultimate serenity. --- ## Page 14 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 15 It involves me engaging actively in the program with my sponsor. Going to meetings, following the advice of clinical staff, praying, meditation - you did so well training your mind to be quiet. I have to be abstinent. I can't, don't want to, fight this anymore. It involves focusing on all that I need to focus on. It involves being around + being with the people who are available to love me + give me support. --- ## Page 16 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 17 It involves true letting go — surrender. Emotionally + spiritually on my knees. It involves doing the work + doing it well. I think my age plays into all of this - 37 + about to turn 38 without children, husband, a clear path forward. Not ready or wanting to let go of the comfortability of home --- ## Page 18 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 19 It's the trying to deal with extremes. Do I cut off entirely + not talking - in my mind make it "over". What is the healthy way to be? It's either all or nothing - how do I cope with the unknown + let it go? Wanting to reach out + share - my life with others. Balance ... Reality ... walk the line ... --- ## Page 20 How do I sort out? What if I know in my gut that it's no longer there? --- ## Page 21 What are the good things? Can you forgive self for engaging? Yes. It happened. Even though I made it happen. What were positive things about it happening? - I like/can feel passion/sex - Attraction is important What is the residual? - Wanting to have sex - To avoid dealing with emotions? Why can't be with him? - Not emotionally available - Dealing with daughter/wife - Dealing with Howard - Emotional immaturity - Unstable ^ down's up's --- ## Page 22 - Letting another person control emotional states - Feels harsh - "all + then nothing @ all" - Rollercoaster - Not taking care of self. - Giving over my power - He could die - another loss. What can I do to improve? - Not reach out via text and/or phone - Not deliberately try to be around him. - He is dangerous for me right now. - Letting go, + letting God. - Do opposite of instinct --- ## Page 23 Have this bizarre conundrum - life is so short - don't waste it + grab what you want. Go for it. VS. Let time be. Time will heal. Time is on side + only way But What if I don't feel like I have a lot of time? So ... simplify. - keep it - simple. - let go, let god. - Inward focus. - One day, @ a time. --- ## Page 24 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 25 1/27/19 It's been a strange weekend what I feel in my gut is that it's over — @ least for now + probably a long time. What I know now is that he is hurting, doesn't respect my mind enough, think I have anything to offer, thinking I am obsessive (I am); compulsive (I am); and clingy. But those are only parts of me — only parts of the disease. As a service, I need to let go for him. And I am — but I still want to be his friend. Although is that possible? --- ## Page 26 Is it possible to just be a friend? Time will tell. I am feeling stronger by the day + really trying to keep the focus on me + have faith. Real faith. That things will work out + be/I will live a life beyond my wildest dreams. I will for now, use the fellowship as my higher power. I am going to do 90 in 90. Will make the 7am meeting tomorrow @ crossroads and have a full day of therapy + focus. I get a massage tomorrow too. --- ## Page 27 I think he is rather immature - he gets uncomfortable being around me and I hate that. His entire disposition has changed - and he did say that it won't be like that forever. But the guy who I thought I was falling for is no longer here. It's just not him anymore. I want sobriety at all costs — I am willing to go to any lengths to get it. I want a miraculous life — filled with things, people, + places I love. --- ## Page 28 A few things that were said in meeting that resonated with me - 1. Accept your powerless - over situations. The more I try to hold on, the more I will lose. 2. Align values + virtues with who you are - in all that you do. What do I value - 1. Integrity 2. Honesty 3. Passion 4. Kindness - random too. 5. Respect 6. Love 7. Family 8. Humor/fun 9. Compassion 10. Justice/equity/equality I do value myself. I value the woman I am. But I'm not honoring her. --- ## Page 29 I also think that we won't end up being together — I have no more illusions. Things that really make me wonder/quiver — and I saw it the first night I was with him. When he kicked me out of the car + left me to walk home. 1. Doesn't give a damn really — super self-centered. 2. Never asks about you or follows up on anything — can't be bothered. 3. Constantly spilling — could be something else thought so not trying to be judgemental 4. His looks sometimes make me uncomfortable Bottom line: I don't think he was who I thought he was. --- ## Page 30 What I focus on, grows - So that's all I am going to say for now - I have to get up early for meeting - 90 in 90. --- ## Page 31 1.28.19 I am grateful for another day. I am grateful for my father. I am grateful for the bird that sang outside my window when I asked for Beauie. He is here with me. --- ## Page 32 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 33 Dear Kevin, When I first met you, I felt an instant yet unattainable attraction. I was also surprised + happy that there was someone my age - from my area - + felt a familiarity. The first week of treatment you were gone and I was focused on myself but in the back of my mind - I wondered when you were coming back. We spent that Friday together + again I felt a mutual attraction - this is where it all began. The text messages - flirtatious in nature - --- ## Page 34 The first night we were going to meet, I didn't call you - and as I was walking home let you know that I didn't think it was a good idea. You were disappointed saying I left you "hanging" + so I gave in + we met. Kissing you for the first time - was magic. I remember thinking that I could just kiss you forever - and one thing led to another and we entangled in each others arms + had mind blowing sex. Towards the end - your wife called and you rushed to kick me out of --- ## Page 35 The car - I smoked a cigarette while you sat in the car talking to him - and I remember thinking this is a disaster. You came out + told me you had to go - could drive me home but I insisted on walking. I cried on my way back - thinking about how incredible an experience but how awful the ending felt. As if I had just been used for sex - a street walker - there was no peace in my heart. A familiar feeling came over me + I vowed to let it be. --- ## Page 36 Eric Dengler You text me how sorry you were for how it went down and asked if you could make it up to me. And so it continued. Your text messages + sentiments became stronger through the next few weeks. My last day with you we/I cried as you held my face + told me that the future was unknown... We made the decision to not communicate over the holidays - you wrote me a few mornings later - the 23rd - - saying how much you missed me. Said --- ## Page 37 you knew you shouldn't contact me but couldn't help yourself - that you wanted me to know you were sleeping on the couch + I hadn't left your mind. The texts + sexting continued from there - sending each other pictures + making sweet promises. You begged me to see you the wk of the 12th. Saying it would be a "crime" to not see what still existed outside the bubble. I was conflicted - b/c I didn't want to be a mistress + honestly didn't want to be "that" woman to your wife. --- ## Page 38 But I came back to Ocean Drive conflicted + needed to process - both Josey + Randal were out that week + I let it out after being told to "talk about it" - that it would release the power. I became more confused + ashamed of letting our business out in the open. A few days before New Years - you text me @ 5am + began speaking sexually - then ended abruptly + it felt bizarrely familiar again - I felt used + thought it was selfish. --- ## Page 39 I may not have been experiencing a good sex life @ home but I did have a partner who thought about me + my needs before his. I wrote you a text that you should concentrate on being @ home. "How can you see if anything possible with your wife when you sexting me @ 5am?" You asked me to "let you think about it" and hours later said you thought I was right. But that you still wanted to see me on the 12th weekend. Our conversations/contact got more sparse. --- ## Page 40 I have to admit that although it's what I had said, it wasn't what I wanted. I text you on the 8th /9th to ask about the 12th weekend + you responded that you were conflicted + didn't think it was best. I broke down + numbed my feelings in cocaine. We didn't speak for the next 10/12 days + I grieved what I thought was sycroncity — the spark I had desired for so long — I was finally coming around to letting it all go with you + then receive --- ## Page 41 a text on Tuesday the 22nd - "You haven't left my mind - I relapsed" I am ok + going to Caron - no needles - my wife is divorcing me. Wish you were here. I'd like to get sober + try with you... but if you don't I'll understand - I guess I wanted this to happen on some level. It was what I was had wished for - but no-(minus relapse) but didn't think it was possible. On Friday the 25th - you once again went radio silent saying you needed time to figure shit out. --- ## Page 42 I want to make it very clear that I 100% agree that you can only focus on self right now. Your'e life is @ stake - But for my health + sanity - what am I supposed to do with these emotions? The Rollercoaster - you telling me that "you were on heroin + had just been kicked out of your own house" while writing me those intense texts - makes my stomach churn - feeling used. An innocent victim in your twisted/wicked games. --- ## Page 43 So where do we go from here? I have been working on letting go but I don't want to resent you. I am here for sexual trauma + loss - both you have healed + hurt. I have a part in all of this - that is my work. How I let myself get involved with unavailable men who can't give me what I need. Maybe this was a fantasy I created in my head. Maybe you too are like a drug - addicted to the feeling of being 'safe' - made by another or the fact that the sex --- ## Page 44 was incredible for the first time - in a long time. Whatever it was - feelings were felt + remain unsettled. I think it is best we talk in person. --- ## Page 45 1/30/19 So thankful that January is almost over — ce la vie! 1.27.19 is my date + goddamn it it better be my last. I've had one of my hardest days — my sex drive is out of fucking control. Like literally, I am in heat. I told Kevin the truth about how I was feeling — felt exposed + vulnerable so didn't go to dinner. Needed a break from seeing him. We are supposed to have a therapy session on Monday and I am still unsure of it all. There is a piece of me that wishes --- ## Page 46 I didn't have to do it. But maybe it would be healing and then again maybe it would open up more wounds that will take me longer to adjust + get over with. I am going to give it a few days + see how I feel. I erased his number from my phone - so can't contact him unless he is to contact me which he won't. I think I need to have sex in order to feel good about not having sex + to get it over with. Neil's friend is a sex addict which might work out well. --- ## Page 47 I know it's not the healthiest way to deal with things but @ least it's better than drugs. I am focused on myself + my needs + sex seems - @ least at this moment to be one of them. I don't know if I even need to kiss a guy - just come over + fuck me - sober. I think I'm going to go to the AA meeting tomorrow night. And maybe he will be there? Maybe not. But I have always been boy crazy. I remember pulling up my skirt in 2nd --- ## Page 48 grade and showing the boys my underpants. Hyper-sexualized @ a young age. What is this due to? Was I molested. I think so - I can't remember specifics but I do remember trauma - I remember not liking the Woolzacks house; I remember somewhat being sexualized with Caroline; I remember having sex with friends @ a young age; showers w/ my dad (probably not appropriate); Being turned on when I wasn't suppose to be. I --- ## Page 49 remember the Q-tips - I hated getting my ears clean; bathing my vagina due to overhearing parents having sex; what made me so attached? - My mother not emotionally available - My father was - message - I could get love from men. - "I'm not your mother" - Blanket being taken away - Not letting myself go to bathroom - Being wiped until too late in the game - I could list all the reasons - But I can't seem to find --- ## Page 50 The solution. 1/31/19 The last day of February! Thank you Lord Jesus. I am getting better each day + realizing it was the intimate connection that I am grieving + got obsessed with. It's been a long time - but it's not him. He is a sweet guy but I honestly am not that internally attracted to him. He is emotionally immature - aren't we all - but shows me how I don't want to be + what I won't stand for --- ## Page 51 in my life. Today, I feel it isn't necessary to have a convo with him - what's the point? I would rather have the mistake + take the lesson. What did he teach me? - That intimacy is so important to me. - That falling head over heels isn't necessarily healthy - That I choose men who are unavailable to me. He also taught me about my own pathetic/immature/needy behavior that I would like to change. I don't need to be needy. I need to be self-assured + --- ## Page 52 confident that I can + will have what I desire. What do you desire? - Livelihood 2.0 - Financial independence - A brown haired man who is affectionate, stable, + kind + smart to live my life with - Children - A family of some kind - A happy, adventurous, + passionate life with a happy, adventurous, + passionate partner. When I am certain that I'd rather be alone than with just anyone - I will find him. Or he will find me. --- ## Page 53 You will have all you desire! Trust the process. Trust yourself + your ability to manifest all your dreams. You got this, Ashley Blazer Biden. --- ## Page 54 Prayer "Please whoever you are Please keep sober today" "Thank you for keeping me sober pg Upon awakening + @ dawn 86 pg. 417 Acceptance Big Book- AA Big Book App - Free Text - Everyday Pro's + Con's Praying to be ok - to love self. Help me love me. --- ## Page 55 Other Assignments - 1. 5 Gratitude each day - nothing can purchase 2. Pro's + Con's list of Kevin 3. Affirmations 4. Set boundaries for me Reason, season, lifetime. --- ## Page 56 ### Continued Relationship with Kevin Pro's Cons Insane/deep sex Wife Kissing - like smell of breath Child Wife not leaving him Started relationship when in another relationship Get hurt b/c still in relationship Might go back to his wife Daughter resents me Wife causes news storm Not sober + dies Emotionally unavailable Reason for leaving Ices me out - Again Back + forth - unstable w/emotions --- ## Page 57 Pro's Con's Not feeling safe anymore Feels guilty - both of us No undying commitment to another Not available to meet my needs Long distance No romance or real intimacy Doesn't know who he is yet. More time focused on something that may go nowhere. --- ## Page 58 What are my Boundaries — 1. Open to seeing/exploring if separated 2. Open to intimacy again in future 3. No back + forth with my emotions 4. Needs to be sober to engage 5. Being honest with me about state of affairs — is he really unhappy 6. --- ## Page 59 1/31/19 The last day of January — for some reason the 27th just sticks in my head as being a great day. My ego always in the way I met a woman @ meeting last night + she was holding a baby — 2 months old. She doesn't look like me, don't know how educated, just totally different. Yet she helped me more today than anyone has — maybe I was ready to receive it all. I am so grateful. I feel as if a weight has been lifted. One day @ a time. --- ## Page 60 2/1/19 February! Hooray. That much closer to spring... although I need to stay present. And be grateful for today. I had some up's + down's today. Started the day with boxing! which was incredible. Going to go Sunday as well. And next Wednesday + Friday. Kevin + I are having a therapy session next week which will be difficult + super awkward. But it will provide me with closure that is needed. I am going to head to meeting tonight @ 7pm — Marshalls for clothes + then maybe a movie? --- ## Page 61 Tomorrow I already have my day planned - Getting up in the am - 9am + going to the gym - then home to shower - 9am — gym 10am — Shower/home 11:30am - Lunch @ men's house 2:45pm - Single process + blow out 5pm - Dinner? 7 or 8pm - Meeting Hang with Neil? Sunday 7:30am - gym/boxing Beach with Beau 11:30am - Brunch @ women's house Beach during the day Meeting @ some point - 5:30pm - Dinner Superbowl @ guy's house Monday Clinical schedule. --- ## Page 62 When I leave - I love so hard. And I get focused on them - their love. Their need for me to be loved. Their validation. Their something... Here I am talking about another man when I am married! It all feels strange. And disjointed. But what is the common theme in my life? That I keep relapsing + I just can't this time around. I need to stay sober long enough to see the light @ the end of the tunnel. I keep relapsing over + over again. The longest period of sobriety --- ## Page 63 was almost a year + that was horribly painful due to the diagnosis. I haven't been sober in so fucking long + need to get sober + stay this way... long enough to find inner peace + happiness. I am worth it. I am 37 years old + this needs to happen - I can't waste any more time. I got my ass to shabbat dinner - meet Darien + Sunny. She is the sweetest little girl - She drew me a rainbow - I thought about how nice it will be to one day have children - --- ## Page 64 Reframing my life. 2/2/19 Early morning - the sun has not yet shown it's shine. To thine own self be true. I have to continue to walk in faith - that everything should be exactly how it's meant to be. It is one week today + I'm feeling more settled - in that knowing. God has a plan for me - one that I can't know right now. And that's all I need to know - for now. --- ## Page 65 I have struggled for control - for absolutes. For some assurances that I will never get as long as I keep struggling. I do know that I would like to quit smoking for my health. 2/4/19 Hunter's Birthday. Yesterday was Beau's Birthday - had a beautiful day @ the beach + in the sun followed by a meeting and blew out a candle after the meditations where I prayed for him. Things with Kevin have been really friendly + stable --- ## Page 66 He actually texted me the first time last night to tell me he is glad I had a good day on Beau's Birthday. I have a therapy session with him tomorrow — which makes me nervous but I think will provide closure for both of us - it's been a rollercoaster of a ride - I guess tonight I will figure out what I want to ask + what I want to say... He is home today signing papers for his new house. I am staying an extra week + will go home next Monday. --- ## Page 67 group although I don't want to - started hanging out with a new guy, Eric, who has been through a lot and is clean + sober these days. He lives in Florida. And he is so cute... has his own style and swag. It's been refreshing to be able to kiss another man -- he is a great kisser. And he is calming + sweet. I can tell we both could fall for one another -- And that's a little scary but taking it day by day b/c you never know what the future holds -- I'm thinking about a move --- ## Page 68 $ 45,200. I down to Florida to get my 6 months under my belt. I could wrap things up @ home + make a move. But I'm going to stay in the present. Stay in today I have a lot of work to do in the next week + am going to focus on - getting it done. Babs leaves on Wednesday - I am so grateful for her friendship - she has been my rock + keeps me happy. I'll finish out the week here + then go home - --- ## Page 69 Moving to Florida Pro's Recovery community Weather Time to be w/ people who don't use Away from family drama Space to focus on only me Leaving job Time/space to figure out marriage Sponsor here Con's Away from Athena Away from family Leaving job Don't move for a man --- ## Page 70 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 71 I honestly think he is out of my system — the man who he was — with me — is no longer. Neil had a meltdown + said I was putting others @ risk, was full of shit about my own recovery, and couldn't be in my life anymore — take care. What I realize is that I've been trying to re-create a relationship with my brother that is no longer in existence. I need to confide in women and not men. Started spending time with Eric — I like my time with him. He is easy, fun, smart, sweet + --- ## Page 72 gives attention that I know I need. It's like each relationship get me closer to where I want to be. Showing me more + more of what I want. I won't see him tonight. And that's ok b/c I'm exhausted + I'm sure Neil has also gotten in his ear. Did I mention that Kevin is an after thought? Kevin gave me what I sexually needed but not emotionally. I can see now that he wouldn't provide the love, support, + attention. He doesn't have the empathy needed or the sweet side — --- ## Page 73 I know that Eric does but also know that Eric isn't ready for a relationship + has been known to drift outside. I am not sure what to do with how I am feeling other than focus on myself + let it be. I so wish I could see him tonight — just lay with him but it will be too late + I need to prepare myself for him abruptly walking away = - --- ## Page 74 2-7-19 Owning my power + realizing that unlimited happiness resides within. He didn't call last night + it worried me - became a little pre-occupied and I didn't like it. So today I focus on continuing to own my power and not attach to him to make me feel better. He said he left phone in car but who knows - I have faith that I will be led to the person + down the path that is right for me. I am working on letting/not letting others control me or my --- ## Page 75 emotions - it's not a healthy space to be. The truth is - everything I thought I knew - ended up not being entirely accurate. Kevin was soulmate + we were going to end up together etc... what I know now is that — feelings change, situations change, + I am looking for - stability in myself. I don't know - much but do know that I am - on my way to finding it. --- ## Page 76 2-8-19 What is my part in this? My part is that I spoke to too many people about my situation with Kevin. I asked for too many opinions and tried to get validation that I am good enough, sexy enough, hot enough etc... And for that I am sorry. It's over with Kevin and he has to deal with his own drama. I don't think after this that I will be able to look at him the same way again. I am going to walk away from this all with my head held high. Kevin is emotionally immature as am I - I realize --- ## Page 77 It's not what I want anymore - so maybe that's the gift in this all and the lesson that I should only tell people I trust and who have my back - about anything. It's about being a woman and not the little girl. I think I re-victimize myself over + over again. I should never talk to men about sex or any of that bullshit. --- ## Page 78 2.9.19 He came over this morning - he fell asleep with his phone on vibrate. I over-reacted + now see how I can get so ahead of myself. In my mind, he was on a boat with other women and ignoring all my texts. I think he is nervous too about where this goes - and I get it - but I will only do everything with kindness one day @ a time. --- ## Page 79 2.10.19 The morning. Early mornings. Kevin didn't come to dinner last night — he has been avoiding me like the plague — mean, cold, + distant. I guess that's his go-to and better I find out while here. His behavior + words manipulative - I'm not great at dealing with all of this yet I have tried. + am trying. I keep thinking that a move down here will be good for me — but then I question myself. --- ## Page 80 I don't want to move down here for anyone, any relationship, and need to make sure I'm making the right move - literally. I trust no one. It just really goes to show - you don't know someone until time passes. | good | Bad/ugly Sex Emotionally unavailable Looks Back + forth Standing Not able to communicate Appears one way, acts another Manipulative Contempt Stonewalling Cheats on wife Gas Lighting Ego Not affectionate Immature Harsh --- ## Page 81 What are the qualities that I know I need in a partner? 1. Affection 2. Kindness 3. Sweetness 4. Sweet Nothings 5. Humor/Laughing 6. Attraction 7. Intimacy 8. Passion 9. Loyalty 10. Trust/honesty/vulnerability 11. Stability but adventure 12. Adoration 13. Intellectual curiosity 14. Independence 15. Curious about me --- ## Page 82 2-10-19 He is still in love with his girlfriend - what the fuck - honestly. I'm an incredible catch + don't know if he's just trying to fill a hole - Have a difficult time being alone although last night woke up feeling sick to stomach + that I was getting sick - wanted to be alone. This recovery thing takes a while to set in each time. And the situation with Kevin is a blessing in disguise because I am getting over it all. He is up one minute + down the next - he is not kind + has treated me... --- ## Page 83 me like an asshole - and still I remain kind b/c that's what I want to be but I do know that I now have boundaries - + no longer possess these intense feelings. They have faded away - even my desire to be around him. And so... 2-11-19 It's manipulation has it's finest - we will learn a great truth - The plan will happen in spite of us - not b/c of - us. Sexual abuse for sure - weak boundaries --- ## Page 84 The day ended up on a positive note. Had a great clinical day. The lesson that I learned is I am either completely "put together" and could run the group OR I am the 6 year old little girl on the bench. There needs to be a happy medium. I don't have to be completely closed off or completely immature, dependent, and young. A good skill for me is when I am feeling the little girl want to respond - I acknowledge her. "I am Ashley Blazer Biden + I recognize --- ## Page 85 My 5 year old self: I acknowledge her but the grown-up version of me is now going to address her while caring for her. I was given the hunger games to read as an assignment. Kevin is actually coming around + being sweeter. It's interesting how there are two very distinct sides of me that I would like to meld together. Tomorrow is going to be a great day. Getting up early, meditating - boxing, - full - clinical day and meeting with sponsor - then meeting - business meeting. --- ## Page 86 I probably won't see Eric tomorrow + I'm ok with that. It's getting easier to find my time + space - with only myself. I wish I had 2 more weeks here to really hone what I am starting to learn. But - going to make the most of my time and plan on making a move down here. It's only going to be temporary - although I do love my time @ home. I want to spend the weekend with Eric if possible - I will be finished the program Friday + leave on Monday. --- ## Page 87 The transition will be difficult for me — this I know for sure — But I have much to do — in the limited time here/there + it's time to make moves Schedule for tomorrow — 6:30 — wake up/coffee shower 7:30am — leave for gym Hour to do treadmill, stretch + meditate 8:30-9am — Boxing Shower Group --- ## Page 88 2-12-19 Learning to fly with half developed wings... Coming down is the hardest thing. It's gotten weird again - up + down. It's really disconcerting and horribly discouraging. I am really trying to take deep breaths and relax into the woman I am and that I want to be - but it's challenging for me - it's abrupt and it hurts my feelings. I would like to explore + have closure around the situation - but will want to see what Randal says - --- ## Page 89 2-13-19 A little fearful of what's to come... Feeling anxious but that just means I am living in the future. I must remember to stay present in today - otherwise this sobriety thing isn't going to work. How can I stay present today? Today is all I have + I can repeat that "wisdom is all within". It has been one of those days where I know I've done nothing wrong but I also regret some of the decisions I've made + I seriously miss how it was. Randal told me that I need to --- ## Page 90 let it die + that what will be — in the future — will be. The only way it will re-ignite is if one of us — both of us — re-engage. But, I wonder if he has boundaries for me. If he'd rather I not reach out in the future — letting it go. Dissolve + taking the lessons learned. Finding the silver lining in all the chaos. I keep my heart open — + I find solace in that to hurt was never my intention and I deserve more than what is being offered. I am a warrior princess — with a lot to give. --- ## Page 91 Heart palpitations - Anxiety super increased. Started new drug that feels really off-putting. I started feeling that, "Please don't go - will I see you again?" I miss him already. --- ## Page 92 2-16-19 They say everything happens for a reason + some people only come into your life for a season. I know I was meant to be here with Kevin — to truly let him go. He wasn’t the man that I needed/ wanted him to be. He is a decent man with a family that he should bring back together. I think our impulses, compulsions, + obsessions brought us together + gave us rose colored glasses — God has a bigger plan. It’s now been 7 days since my last cigarette + I don’t think I --- ## Page 93 can and/or will be going back there. My energy levels are stable and feel 0 desire to smoke. When my mom worked me up this weekend — I grounded myself + I breathed — it actually worked. My system is off but getting adjusted to new medications. I need to drink plenty of water + going to use the gym later on today. I don't know how long + I do know that I can't/won't intentionally. But who knows he may even find his way back to her. We are so different in many ways — --- ## Page 94 our background, maybe some of our values - but we both share similar joys + jokes + sensibilities. As he told me today, he is a breath of fresh air. He is racist but doesn't mean to be - I will educate him, as best I can - and we may find our values are too different + then we will deal with that. Cross that bridge when we get there. He does understand that it's wrong + I think he is willing to make changes + open to doing better. --- ## Page 95 That was how he was raised — and only completed 10th grade. He doesn't have a high school diploma or college education but he has a sensibility, a resilience, an attitude, and a way that is so refreshing, light, and makes me happy. All the education in the world couldn't make him like that — this is what I ❤️ about him. --- ## Page 96 2-17-19 I am pissed, freaking out, + acting insane - thinking of Howard - my husband - with another woman! It's actually not fair + not right. I have been with other men + it's just not fair @ all. Why am I feeling this way and do I need more time to try and figure it out? Does this mean that I am still into my husband? It's about giving it time - the impulses - the reactions - I need to pause. Relax - take a walk — do something that distracts me! --- ## Page 97 He is probably sound asleep but definitely not healthy. It makes me sad but he is an eternal party boy. I do think that if that was different things may be slightly differently. I do think that he uses much more than he should + could have a slight problem. I don't know who to approach this conversation --- ## Page 98 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 99 Florida Pro's Time away to Ashbury wants Recovery community Caron therapists Work on recovery + time to get it right Get away from pressure Con's Old haunts Friends who use Know how to easily access drugs Family drama Known for name Philadelphia makes hard to work on an stay in relationship Away from family DE reminds me of Beau Summers away from home Giving up security (Also a pro) People, places + things Boredom - feeling "stuck" - "Is this it?" --- ## Page 100 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 101 Monday 7 am - workout 8:30 Divas 10 am - Fed Ex - send box home 12 pm - Caron for notes + say goodbye --- ## Page 102 2-19-19 I've left Delray Beach in flight to La La Land for an exclusive Executive Producer dinner event. Eric dropped me off - had an amazing 3 weeks with him. He made me happy, made me smile, feel loved, and wanted. He was vulnerable with me in a way I loved - felt super safe in his presence. He admitted to me that he was/is smoking pot - that his prerogative. I know for me - for now - I can't smoke or do anything. It just feels too good being sober. --- ## Page 103 Is Eric up to Howards or my parents standards? NO. He is a surfer — not highly educated - barely knows his grammar/ but he does know how to love — how to treat me like I need to be treated. He gives affection in ways I only hoped Howard would. It is light + fun. I have to remember that these were the feelings associated with Kevin — and they passed. I need to slow down + give myself time + space to breath. Maybe 6 wks away from him is actually not such a bad idea. --- ## Page 104 I think I gotta slow my roll a little + put the focus back on me + my recovery. There are many loose ends to tie up and I am moving a little fast. I am crazy attracted to his height, body type, + psychic. All I know is that it feels light + heavy at the same time. I'm different than my family. I never gave a shit about all the rules, ways, how to be's, and make you feel less than for not being. He reminds me of Jamie Alano. Taking me back to my first — one of my firsts — loves. --- ## Page 105 I also haven't had my period yet which makes me slightly nervous but I'm expecting one any day now! This has been a really crazy ride thus far - what a tragic + amazing journey. Howard/Marriage Pro's Con's one another Don't share similar interests Family's ♥ 1:1 Guns vs. Fashion Value-family Content @ Jersey Shore every weekend w/ family No language of ♥ Causal user Lying (white) No intimacy --- ## Page 106 Don't kiss Built up resentments Don't like friends/can't hang out What values don't we share? - Loyalty - Financial - Intimacy/Affection --- ## Page 107 For so long the softer, shyer, quieter side of me has been in hiding. The sweetness that once encompassed me + wrapped me up left me when my brother died. All of the affection - all the trust - went out the window the day that Howard went ahead with the feeding tube. I have forgiven - but don't think that I am able to get it back. Feb 8 when the Surfer, Shyee, quietter side of me has been in hiding. --- ## Page 108 Things you do want - 1. Affection - holding hands, kissing, hugging, sweet forehead kisses, face rubs, 2. Laughing - making me laugh + able to laugh @ me + self 3. Motivation/Desire for reaching goals/dreams 4. Spontaneity - 5. Passion - 6. Takes care of others - says "hi" - welcoming 7. Social Justice 8. Health 9. Honesty 10. --- ## Page 109 2-20-19 Feeling needy - ping ponging between men at this point - even though I am liking/interested at different times + for different reasons. But feeling out of sorts. Confused. Not knowing how to navigate this situation. I adore Eric but he is young, immature, and not entirely motivated. He is my surfer dude - reminds me of Jamie Alano. The good news is that I don't have to make any decisions now. Although it feels as though I do. I put a lot of pressure on myself to figure --- ## Page 110 everything out. If dad runs it truly messes up everything with homeboy. It all makes me nervous. But that's not happening today - I have to stay in the moment - It all feels heavy but need to keep it easy. $ 2,529.45 --- ## Page 111 March 1st — After 12pm 4th 2-22-19 Feel sad today after seeing Howard. Maybe I do try + make this marriage work. Write out plan — Goals/planner — Money/Financial — Work - what - where — Financially supported - How? Weekly calls w/ Jonathan --- ## Page 112 2/24/19 Holy crap - here we go again. Not going down that rabbit hole - So much has happened. My marriage is over + it breaks my heart in two, there are no feelings of "I need to be with him." - "I need to see him." - "I need to kiss him.", I am chalking this up to an opps and moving on from here. February 23rd - keep moving forward. Blaze. I have to keep it together + pray that I am moving into the unknown - what am I doing? --- ## Page 113 Plan For Retreat - 1. Do I announce that resigning? 2. Get to know you 3. SWOT Analysis 4. Where we are + where are we going? I am letting fear control me + my next moves. I have to have faith that I will be able to make it happen. Am I doing this for the right reasons? Am I making sound decisions. How will I know without staying sober + moving on from a place of love, hope, + clarity. Fear has taken over me. Fear is the opposite - --- ## Page 114 of love ♥. I have to walk in faith and back up a little from the comfort of another man. He is so easy to love - so present, affectionate, and loving but I know it isn't the way to truly deconstruct my life I must focus on self + my recovery. The last thing I want to do is do any of this for anyone else. Is this where I am suppose to be? I am finished with my work here in Delaware - I do know this place is no longer safe me or my sobriety. People, places + things - all of which I am here again --- ## Page 115 with + none of which keeps me sober. I must figure something out sooner than later. Maybe I can see if my parents would give me a loan? I don't know where to turn - maybe I turn to Bobby McGlinn? I feel as though I need $ to be able secure my livelihood - I don't know what to do anymore. Who can help with funding? 1. Bobby McGlinn 2. Howard 3. Mom + Dad 4. Babs? --- ## Page 116 Sat, Sun, Monday, Tuesday How am I here? 2.25.19 Feels crazy. All anxiety producing. Nothing I can do about it today. But do the best I can + take it one day, one hour, at a time. I told Kristin that I am resigning as ED + she was shocked. But super supportive. I have to have faith that this will all work out. I must have faith. --- ## Page 117 Rx - 10504159 Rx - 10453048 * Rx - 10473818 Rx - 10489404 Rx - 10485587 Rx - 10608554 Rx - 10497336 --- ## Page 118 2-28-19 Twas the night before solitude and all through the house... not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Preparing for the unknown... I feel like maybe I should get a hotel room - a little limited on money at the moment. Babs would assist if need be. I'll figure it out. I'm assuming he is still picking me up? I'm just going with the flow. He was angry as fuck tonight on the phone. I do pray he isn't using. --- ## Page 119 His phone is off. I would feel responsible on some level. I have to lean into all this discomfort and find my way — It's just cloudy right now. What's going on — in here? Should I try to call him back? Maybe this is my respite. But, it will feel different not having my own place? Why am I going to stay with him? --- ## Page 120 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 121 3/1/19 A peaceful place. It snowed this morning and so I slept in and missed my flight. Eric is being bizarre - states he is sick but I actually think he used the other day. I can't really know what's going on b/c I am in DE and he isn't being very responsive. I feel bizarrely in a space of confusion yet peace. Trying to find my footing - on my own this time. Who thought I would be single + childless @ age 37 - maybe I did? 3/1/19 --- ## Page 122 Day one for me. It just makes sense for my life, mood, energy, and future. There is no rhyme or reason. Well there is a reason + those reasons are greater than my desire to use. It really is about taking my life by the hands and dancing - moving to the beats of life - finding my rhythm and waltzing back to myself - my wants, my needs, my desires. --- ## Page 123 What do you want from this life? - Passionate ❤️ - great sex - surprises - adventure - laughter - play - justice - friends - wide/open spaces - restorative practices - emotional stability - mental wellbeing - fun clothes + fashion - creativity --- ## Page 124 I actually think he relapsed + isn't telling me. It hurts my heart to think that he is using + that I may have triggered it. Boredom is deadly for me. It is the main reason for use - But not going to give in this time around. I have to stay strong during this next chapter of my life. With or without anyone by my side + most importantly when no one is by my side. Sobriety is the last link to true freedom. It's the last chance I have @ making my dreams --- ## Page 125 come true and I can't do anything to jeopardize it. Some people come in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Maybe Kevin came into my life for a reason; Neil came into my life for a few seasons + homeboy came into my life for the unknown. How much can I write out of sheer boredom? --- ## Page 126 2-6-19 Mercury Retrograde. Pisces. That's the reason and here's to a new season. I did it. I changed the trajectory of my world for a short period of time or forever. I did something for me, by me, and to me. I gave myself a gift. The gift of self love + respect. I manifested it all. Those powers are real. And I am learning how to use them for the good of myself. Grateful today. Really grateful. --- ## Page 127 2.6.19 First day of Lent. Giving it up to my higher power. Went to a meeting with Hallie + "Raise me up on Eagles Wings" was playing in the background. Kevin Lenane text that he was sorry for how he treated me. Overall today was a good day - I am grateful for 1) Hallie 2) Chorus 3) Apologies 4) Time 5) The strength to be alone. 7-2-19 --- ## Page 128 2.7.19 First full 24 hours and feeling good - settled. Went to a morning meeting with Hallie. She has been great since I got home + I am super grateful. Let go, let God. One day @ a time. It will all work out if I let it. Eric is still in detox and gets released this time tomorrow. I am feeling neutral with the entire situation. I'm not obsessing or concerned - I know life will bring me what I need in time. It's trusting the process + letting go - --- ## Page 129 I have a call with mom + dad this evening @ 8pm. I have to practice patience + tolerance for their feelings + all that is said. 2.8.19 And so, we start again. This really gets old. I am getting old. I had to block Kiaddi b/c it just isn't good for the two of us to hang out. I am red, inflamed, and staying indoors today b/c I have to. Eric left detox + called me this morning. He seems --- ## Page 130 sweet, distant, tired, and confused. It's a lot with me moving and dad potentially running. I'm going to a meeting at some point today. I will not continue down this path or live this wasteful life. 3-9-19 Addiction tears lives apart. Keeps people in a cycle of nothingness, anxiety, and worry. I am committed to this new way of life. Via my actions. --- ## Page 131 I feel different this time - I feel 'ok' with being alone + doing things on my own. This shift came in Florida when I was forced to figure it out on my own. I'm not scared like I used to be however I do have moments of doubt. Am I making the right move? Leaving behind my dog, my family, my home. I do feel like a change of scenery could do me good but I do wonder if I will get lonely. --- ## Page 132 Joe Biden without question has the best chances in a general election. That is what the news is reporting now. I think it might be the road to recovery — I've been vulnerable + being courageous as I can be. --- ## Page 133 3/12/19 So.. we are running. Announcement will be in April or early May. It is all super anxiety producing but I just have to take it one day at a time + relax. I know the move to Del Ray will be good for me to get away + really focus on my recovery. I just have to stay relaxed and confident about my decision to get really stable + really healthy. Is a move what's going to make the difference - how do I know? How do I know that I'm - making the --- ## Page 134 right move? Literally. I'm nervous that I'll get closer to Eric then will have to detach from him as we move further into 20/20. He isn't the guy that I would normally go for + def wasn't trying to get my feelings all mixed up in it. But it's happened + I have to trust that God has a plan for me that I can't yet know or see. I wish I could just go back to loving + living with Howard. Back to a settled marriage. Back to happiness, love, + joy. But those days have passed + --- ## Page 135 I'm not certain they can + will return. I do know that I have to stay away from the Devil - it only brings me more anxiety, fear, + pain. There is nothing good that comes with that. 3/16/19 I relapsed. Fucking again. Insanity is the definition. Always hoping it will be different + it never is. Stuck in this cycle of "Fuck my face, repeat" It’s insanity at it’s worst. There is nothing to do anymore other than just --- ## Page 136 stop doing it- it makes no sense. Eats away at my self-esteem + I am isolated for days at a time. I had all these plans for today + finally was feeling good again. But when I feel good is when I'm in danger. The difference this time around was that I told Elizabeth, mom, + dad this morning. Mom + dad worried but incredibly supportive. I am so lucky to have them on my side. They've never given up on me. --- ## Page 137 E has also been so supportive he asked if he could come + stay with me for the next few days - timing is off + not right but a sweet gesture. It's kind of nice to have someone who understands my struggle + who doesn't shame me but rather lifts me up and continues to encourage me. Howard is absolutely seeing someone else he doesn't call, doesn't really care + is pre-occupied half the time. I guess the same is happening for me + --- ## Page 138 so I can't really make a stink about it — although I am hurt beyond belief. When I think about the fact that he didn't come visit me in treatment, I am actually crushed. He gave up on us the moment I went away + that's just the reality of it all. I miss my doggie — wish she was here with me. I picked + so that doesn't make sense to see him. What a crazy transitional period in my life. I feel so out of sorts. So disconnected from my former --- ## Page 139 life + @ the same time there is a lightness - of doing things differently - finding a new way to live. Making it on my own. Depending on myself for life. 3/16/19 Feeling stronger + better than I was - yesterday was a doozy. Today I feel slightly anxious and not particularly grounded. There is the voice inside me that wants me to get . . . but it's never been different. It never works out --- ## Page 140 the way I planned. It's insane and my ability to forget despite negative consequences is what you call addiction. The restlessness is real. The limbo feels super unsettling and I long for peace. Trying to take the vain approach - that it negatively impacts my looks, hair, face, body, and overall health how quickly I forget though + think it would be a good idea. When the consequences cause me so much pain. Angela is in rare form this past week. --- ## Page 141 She has been moody + completely unavailable. I'm just ready to move away from all the drama. Going to spend the next few weeks - two to be exact - getting myself as healthy as possible for my trip down. Starting yoga again on Monday and hope will continue. Hallie + Natalie go to Abu Dhabi for the Special Olympics so will be gone the entire week. I think today I will organize my clothes + start sorting it all. --- ## Page 142 3/23/19 This day next week, I will be on my way to Del Ray beach Florida. I feel a little under prepared but not much I can do about it. I'm doing the best I can. I have to clean out my car entirely + pack it up I have so many clothes so it's going to be harder than I think. I think I'm going to try + get to a yoga class today and/or tomorrow. Tonight I have dinner w/ Kate Boehner. I have to make sure I am keeping a tight budget — 40k to last me 3/23/19 --- ## Page 143 @ least 6 months. It all feels like a little much. But I am confident that I will do it - There is a piece of me that feels that I should get a U haul - B/c I have so much stuff to bring. I was going to pack the car without bags so there is more room - but it ain't going to be easy! Especially with a tall guy in the car. I can do it all though + I'm going to - It's just figuring out who is driving down with me - I worry about my car getting --- ## Page 144 broken into. But maybe we just drive through the night. If we leave @ 5 pm — there is a chance of getting there by the following morning. Plan for trip. Sunday - make sure entire car is cleaned out. Monday - get car oil changed + checked Tuesday — Thursday — continue to organize clothes Friday night/Saturday — pack the car --- ## Page 145 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 146 3/24/19 Feel overwhelmed by it all - moving but in the right direction. A full car to pack + a full week ahead. Tomorrow I head to DC for the day + then back for yoga, more packing, etc... I would like to imagine that I'll be able to get almost everything in my car. It's just the process of what I am going to take vs. what to leave behind. All my stuff getting throw around - things @ my parents vs. things @ 608 vs. things on my person. --- ## Page 147 I will say that sobriety is the ultimate way to go! E is still trying to figure out his ticket home. When I get to Florida, going to dump entire contents into trash bags - I am going to have to make @ least 3 moves in next 6 months. --- ## Page 148 3/25/19 I am feeling uneasy about it all, Maybe this is how it's suppose to feel - feeling as if this is completely normal. If I didn't have high emotions and it's first day of nothing than this is to be expected. E has been distant - feel as though feelings changing - and for some reason feel that it all has to do with his ex. I've just been feeling some type of way lately. Being w/ Athena has brightened up my week and I was going to give her back to Howard tomorrow - --- ## Page 149 but when will I see my girl again. April probably. I can't believe I leave in 6 days. I am now going on Sunday - but that may change. I went to the Hamilton Hotel and saw the uniforms I designed. They look great! It is exciting to say the least but for some reason not as excited as I should be. I think it's a mixture of things. I'm going to go to yoga tonight + hopefully even out a bit - let the zen in. I'm I making --- ## Page 150 The right decision? Sometimes I feel like I'm making a mistake - that I should stick around here + do what I need out of NYC - but that also is a little late. 4.2.19 Moved in + now living in Del Ray wasn't the best of nights. I used. I would like to start over + not make this a chaotic transition. But I'm getting organized and really trying to turn it around. Today is Day #1 without the hard shit + --- ## Page 151 I'd like to keep it that way. Although it's somewhat difficult when E is on drugs - I want to be supportive but don't know how. He will either need to detox on his own or go back to detox for a little while. I do have to be sober regardless + I really want to. I want this now more than ever. Going to go to women's Divas meeting in the am + meet with my sponsor in pm. Really trying to get my ass organized + focused. It feels really good to be here. I feel free... --- ## Page 152 4/7/19 I'm pretty sure I'm going to make it. 4/8/19 It's been 4 days without one + 3 days without the other. I am starting to come back to life. I am not ok with what's going on - he has to make a decision - that this will be the last time @ least last time here. I can't do this with him - wasn't what I signed up for. It's not fair to me or my recovery. Tomorrow I am getting up early + going to a meeting. --- ## Page 153 7.28.19 OK baby - time to buck up. I am calling in all the troops and hunker down for 3 days. Today is Friday - the start of a new weekend and I am fully ready, geared up, and in shape to take this battle on full throttle. Today I am most likely not going anywhere but I will say that tomorrow you have no choice. You are going to start working the program - following all recommendations to a T --- ## Page 154 and really - I'm ready for it. No more talk - only action. No weed - possibly to get me through today but that's medication management. It's going to be a great real new start - refresh. Hold up - let's do the damn thing. There is a feeling - of the family I knew - certain smells - sounds - an overall being wrapped up in the coziest blanket. Memories of past times - when I felt safe + perfectly content. And that was ripped --- ## Page 155 out from me. Processing 35 years of one way and it's only be 4 years of another - completely new, discombobulated, piece-meal, and shattered. But it's about facing these new emotions with grace + dignity. That's all I can do @ this point. Oct 5th Fri mo. Thursday 55 --- ## Page 156 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 157 Website Relaunched → Photos Re-touched Press Release — Press Launch — Tuesday, June 4th *Invite people. Fashion installation - hire models. "Rosana" - Connect to John *Built out on Hamilton website. --- ## Page 158 7 16 19 Thunder Moon The thunder moon is upon us - releasing old emotions and getting "clear" on what I want. The confusion + standstill "ness" seems to be lifting. I am attempting to try a different route. The route of Refuge Recovery and medical marijuana. Lately, I have been eager + excited to engage in the campaign this fall. My mood has been stable and things starting to look "up" for me. --- ## Page 159 I am slowly recovering from my last episode. It’s Day #3 and going to wait some time before jumping “in” again. It feels more organic to not focus solely on my addiction. But instead, to focus on my health + overall well-being. 7.17.19 --- ## Page 160 7·17 ·19 This date deserve it's own page + special attention! Because it has been my most productive and happiest one for a few months. Why might you ask? Sober, Day # 4, productive + non-stop since 9am. It is now 4pm. The full moon has passed + I am really trying to remain free today. Why do you want to do anything that lowers your vibe + makes you feel like shit! You get 0 done + pick your face in the mirror the entire --- ## Page 161 time. Straight out of boredom. Maybe this time is telling me to slow down? I have jumped leaps + bounds to get here + why now making life complicated + stressful? Why sabotage a good thing. And it's such a waste of money, time, + energy. I'm making serious progress + don't need it all to be spoiled away by one quick, rash, + brutal decision. How do I find peace around it all? Is there peace to be found? I am going to be tested tomorrow, Fri, or --- ## Page 162 Sat and what lie am I going to have to tell? What do I do? It will pass. You want it to pass... keep holding tight + don't make arrangements for it again - no poking + prodding. Today is day #4 after the hardest day to overcome. Well, the next few days but do you want to keep having to go through the "come through" phase - this is torture - over + over again. Stop the insanity. Put it all to rest. New moon, new attitude, new, new. --- ## Page 163 7.22.19 # 2 Here we go again! The anxiety + worry is palpable. I realize and understand that this is my journey and I need to figure it out for myself. I need to get clear and relaxed about my own recovery. I think the angry @ myself for letting myself + my parents down. I haven't figured out my working "formula" - I don't know - I haven't truly figured it out. Giving it "up" to God hasn't been working but I guess I've also been 7.22.19 # 2 --- ## Page 164 giving "in" to the urges. And that's the first step in getting "clean" + "clear". It's sad the feelings I have produced in others. My dad cried on the phone saying he has the debate in a week + "Now has to worry about you." And he cried. Maybe he knows what he is doing + it's worked but my feelings of guilt often are overwhelming. I have to just do what is needed to stay determined, strong, + healthy. It's now out of my system. --- ## Page 165 I need to refocus my life + not let this addiction destroy me. It's all so sad. How much time + energy goes into the same topic over + over again. I am going to relax, do what I need to + keep it healthy! 7.23.19 A calmer day. I think the initial shock of my period is now out of my system. The 1 day shit period is over + now it's time to make some improvements to my overall --- ## Page 166 health + wellness. It was a beautiful day + now absolutely pouring - thunderstorm! I got a good night sleep + saw Jody today. Josey cancelled. Mom + dad in a much better space. My heart hurt to see them so upset. My mindset has begun to change in that it's not about beating the drug test or using around it. It's about using the test as an additional safeguard which I am open to - with the understanding --- ## Page 167 that medical grade marijuana might also be in my system. I have to do this not to avoid getting caught or failing but b/c I intrinsically + internally want to get there. I think I'm on my way. Tomorrow's accessibility + set-up allows for me to partake but at what cost to me? What does it do for you? You end up with the following - Red, crusted, + fucked-up NOSE Tired, lethargic, moody, not thinking clearly Unmotivated + sad. Isolated/shame. --- ## Page 168 Why re-create what has been done to you b/c it's the only place that is "known" to me - it's what I've used to cope - I made a promise. A promise to wait to use until next Wednesday and to attend one yoga class b/tw now + then. It's the habit of it all - my aversion to authority + finding gaps in order to "trick, foul, or get way". I think I will continue for my parents sake + see how the next few weeks pan out. --- ## Page 169 But, it would be amazing if you examined your frame or lense - an outdated lense that doesn't serve the woman you want to become. The new lense is that it doesn't work towards your highest good. At least right now - is unable to be done with negative consequences to health + living. It pollutes your mind + your body - truly. It can cause damage to so many parts of your beautiful body. I sense a shift and it couldn't come --- ## Page 170 soon enough! I have so badly wanted to quit and I know it's a dangerous disease -- but I also know that maybe my path isn't traditional, I by no means mean that I a "special", "better", or "more important", it just mean that maybe I try something that resonates w/ me. And this includes -- Short term medication mgmt Yoga EMDR for resilience Long term psychotropic Body work Moving my body! Learning Getting involved in my hood. --- ## Page 171 This is the winning reaction and just must be done. The procrastination is really wearing on me. The imposter syndrome must go. The feeling of not being enough, giving enough, doing enough. Some of that is true - I'm not following thru or getting up despite _. But I do know that's directly linked to usage. The issue is this - Jamey has access + I love the first or second 'hit' but it's downhill from there. Stay in today. Stay present. --- ## Page 172 7.27.19 The last week of July is upon us. What do I desire for the month of August? 1. Getting involved in Pharma Recovery groups + obsatining for that girl for the entire month of August -- continuing from July. 2. Attend as many groups as possible + do the uncomfortable 3. Workout my body every day 4. Meditation every day 5. Relax into the unknown 6. Sort thru confining emotions 7.27.19 --- ## Page 173 I'm ready 7:30:19 # 3 Today is the day - 101 - That's my plan today. The medication is helping stay positive. Yesterday it was an overwhelming urge in my body. A restlessness so deep. What I realize is that access to any of it - touching the embers - ignites the fire. Once the first spark it's over. The house of recovery is burnt down. So - it's the only way to get rid of all contacts. So I know what I must do. --- ## Page 174 The other reason is finances - down to the wire. It's a good day and I will keep on this journey. What's the difference this time around - new perspective. Wanting to be well. It's that time - and what a wonderful time it is. The day was a wash but I am going to keep staying clean. 1 2 3 4 5) Thur Fri Sat Sun Mon Tues The 5th day is def the worst. So if I calculate this right - the 5th day will be Saturday --- ## Page 175 This weekend, I want to do something that increases my wellness. 1. Foundation #5 1/2 body weight ounces 10 grips 2. Eat breakfast asap 3. Reduce sodium + sugar intake --- ## Page 176 Stress addiction has created Money issues Dodging/having to keep stories Stress Missed appointments Cancelling entire days due to fear Cleaning/mess Having to lie/dodge Waiting for it + aftermath Day to day - am I going to ruin? Crazed in moment to moment Dissatisfaction - It's never enough. Always wanting more + panicking when realize it's over. Stealing - no Starting lying about addiction since age 13 Blatant - yes! Always Lied to: mom, dad, Howard, kids/ entire family. Lied to myself Extent is that haven't used or can. --- ## Page 177 Guilty or ashamed - Have to deal with face - Cancelling obligations - Putting self in dangerous situations - Spending $ - Lying about tests (one more time) Worthiness - Yes, not worthy of success or my ideas about future. - Worthy of heart - Worthy of a healthy life Fear of being caught? - I should have feared it more --- ## Page 178 Resentful God Sarah Bailey Alyson Kelly Hallie Hunter Kathleen Mom Dad Howard Mom Cousins Kids Aunt Erin Guilana Harris Newspaper Why Taking Beau Body Body Body Boo Drugs + family Drugs + family meanness + not being aware/ judgmental Dad $, control Being able to be 'normal' Patronizing Copying Mischaracterizing family Relationship w/ dad Andy + coolness Dad comment Debate Spewing garbage --- ## Page 179 Howard Dad Mom Kids Hunter Beau Friends Motown Athena John Matt Matt Gregory Addiction, lying, leaving Hurting self, lying Lying, not showing up Being absent Not backing him up Not showing up, lying using Not showing up, being absent Jumping Leaving Addiction Cheating/lying Cheating, lying Using, lying --- ## Page 180 Self - Away from love - Weight - Health - Looks - Picking at face - Disappointing + not reliable - let self down, by letting others down - Don't take needed actions to move forward - Financially - Reputation - Ability to participate in life - Lie to self "It will be different this time" - Against value of integrity - Hurting career path Isolated? That's all it did. 3 years it took before went out. - Crazy anxiety. "lost" Not known to self. Disassociated. Constant fear/anxiety --- ## Page 181 Hated/Judged - Breasts - Butt - Body - Face - Dishonesty/not showing up - Not being "worthy" - Don't deserve it - Imposter syndrome Envy Kathleen - intact family Breasts Good♥ - couples who have it - Kristi-lyn People doing it - action 1 Alexa - training - wish could be that dedicated Connection/sobriety of others - Courtney People who can use __ without addiction - Iva Less than - Not in awhile. But used to compare self a lot to others + think most were "better", "brighter", "more beautiful" kind of over it. --- ## Page 182 Superior - not really - was a little self-righteous during Hallie + Hunter fiasco Greedy - people have felt used + that only call or want to be with them in order to "use" Needy - latching on to ❤️ relationships b/c don't want to be alone Selfish - not thinking how breaks families heart - what I want to do - missing important events - not being caring or present Need to be happy... or least you thought. A loving relationship + family... My brother being alive + family whole again I need to make money Misery - looks "yuck" - Finances! --- ## Page 183 Physical Danger Drinking when drunk Bad are as unknown characters Grief/trauma Bullying Dad younger - health Bus driver Beau's death Rape + sexual encounters Verbal abuse Physically Not strong + healthy Skinny Aging skin Hair loss Fatigue + energy loss Emotional Constant depression + doubt Beat self up Always going to be sad No way out Self-hatred --- ## Page 184 Disappeared - Entirely - All things social or active Work + responsibilities Friendships left bruised Misfortune - Marriage Different Isolated + alone - connected + in love Active/involved - isolated + not involved in anything Creating/building - hiding + dissolving Family - me, myself, + I Friendships Erica - damaged Work relationships/staff - damaged respect Howard - lost of trust. Shefon - absent Brother - strangers --- ## Page 185 Sex life good - using/isolated Self - life Justin -> not being true to my values. --- ## Page 186 8-1-19 #4 August, 2 more months in Del Ray, I do know it's time to go — lack of excitement, movement, + opportunity. Love Miami but think it's time to get back home + work on campaign. Headquarters in Philadelphia — spent good portion of that time on the road. The work is now. Nothing compares to that rush/high/ excitement of getting. I am searching for ways to escape. I am actually pursuing chances/ times to do. Planning it all out — like tomorrow. I have --- ## Page 187 been going at my face more than usual. Changing medications I must work my body out. It's almost midnight... tomorrow a few hours away. Will I? I may... but what's that about? It's about the predictability of addiction, craving, wanting, needing, having to have - this is all very normal + part of the disease. The only way to arrest this situation is to sustain + by sustaining over time, that feeling is put into remission and life unfolds due to new situations + --- ## Page 188 activities replace. It's fucking science + it's also very true that come end of time here - it's buckle-down. But I also need to get to the head space where I am able to have real clarity. I am struggling so hard to find the will + ultimate solution to this. They say Rock Bottom - only way to come up but I don't want to get have to go that low. I guess it's like this in the beginning feeling crazy! Only Day #4 --- ## Page 189 Constant Restlessness - No excitement - #4 8.4.19 And again. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. The hard headedness is on another level, like I don't think I've ever met a more stubborn human being. Is this really going to be it? Because you can't afford to continue on. Your looks + health are at risk. It only gets worse - and once that's gone there is little to do to get it back. Natalie's Birthday --- ## Page 190 today. Proud of the young woman she is becoming. I feel grateful + proud to be her "auntie." The girls have been distant with me. Maybe it's my love for Hallie + continued support. I can't pressure them anymore to forgive. Trying to hydrate + reboot my week ahead. Think it's fitting that Kelly would take the day or rather Mane. August 3rd + 30th - I kind of like the ring of all that! --- ## Page 191 Day # 2 - to be honest, I am triggered. B/c of him. There was a brief moment that I thought it might be a great idea but that quickly went away. The truth is that you so desperately want to do it differently. Have another type of relationship - but you can't. It's just not possible! Surrender to that reality + maybe things will start turning around - b/c I know that's not what you want to spend time doing - Quite the opposite - but the pull is so real. --- ## Page 192 So, I cleaned up today. Eric hopefully goes on with it. I think I'm going to be home for at least a month - see how integration feels. And I'll spend all of September down here - focused + healthy. 8.5.19 Hooked --- ## Page 193 8-12-19 # 7 Really. That. Was. It! It's been a wave of emotions - ups + downs. 8-14-19 It's when I get overwhelmed - I tend to want to "escape" or shut down. The feeling just crept up and made me want to "run" + smoke - but I know that's not a great idea/option. So instead, I am writing about it. I am getting anxious about seeing Howard! It feels a little crazy. I've been so --- ## Page 194 used to being on my own + doing "me" + now have to think about others. There is anxiety + not sure where it comes from... maybe it's "lack" of having substances - it's been 5 full days. It's been the longest I've gone in awhile. I think it might be good for me to run on the treadmill. --- ## Page 195 8°30°19 I've been waiting! Silly how this date has so much significance in my life. But it was the day I began the "clear vision" journey that has lasted now for 6 years. 6 years without drinking + somedays I miss it + other times, most times, I thank my lucky stars the 29th would be the other date if I can hold to it. Wise intention. Wise effort. Wise action. I feel like I am able + willing — that working girl/ceo in me — wants --- ## Page 196 to run recovery like a business. Making sure I get to a meeting everyday, workout my body, treat body with love + care. Do the next right/wise think. Am I getting closer to peace + serenity or farther away from it? Tonight I will go to Refuge Recovery + be amongst some similar peeps. I, so badly, want to give yoga another try- free my body from toxins. I think I'm going to go home on Sunday + head back down Sunday/Monday evening. --- ## Page 197 I have a big week + one that I am excited for - not much to do until Monday. Sunday - Home in DE - discuss money w/ parents Monday - Shore? Tuesday - Call accountant re taxes Wed - Thurs - Fri - Sat - Sun - --- ## Page 198 8-31-19 Today's theme was "denial" - to be compassionate for others denial + keep them safe + warm in comfort. That's what I am going to do for ang. Howard is among the fishies! Day @ the beach with a book, sunscreen, + peace, went to a great NA meeting today! It was @ a local homeless shelter + I was the only woman not of color. I want to give back again. I see myself directly + positively impacting people's --- ## Page 199 lives for the better. I miss my work - but I also know that, that will only happen if I'm taking care of myself. Today is technically Day 4 - The next few are slightly precarious - but I am going to get through. My finances also need to be straightened out. But I am going to make movement in the financial responsible path + now that my higher power + manifestation will bring gifts + fruits to bear. Today I make + choices that positively impact me + those I ♥ --- ## Page 200 9.1.19 First day of September - usually my favorite month - the beginning of fall. The end to a long, hot, summer. I'm still trying to put the pieces back together. Figuring out my long-term plans while also trying to stay present + remind self that I'm exactly where I need to be. There are loose ends and sad conversations ahead of me. Getting on the same page as Howard, saying goodbye to Delray, figuring out financial arrangements and living set-up. --- ## Page 201 It's gotten better - don't feel so alone however it's still not where it should be. Been 3 weeks + still haven't slept with him. Entire month @ home. It's been partly circumstance + partly choice. But something has to give + sooner the better. The one thing I do know is that I spend entirely too much time on my phone - insta, FB, etc... so today I am going to take a break + not pick phone up until much later in day. --- ## Page 202 Everything is as it should be. I expect + accept great abundance to come into my life. 9.3.19 This will ruin your entire life Caron Detox. Tired. Annoyed. Feeling un-courageous Defeated 9.4.19 Second day — now on unit. All the women are lovely + staff has been great. Feeling anxious as tonight is first debate on climate change. Feeling horrible about what I put/stress I just put my dad through. The idea of being 100% sober is appealing to me but foreign. My life sober — what does that look like? Productive, joy, healthy, purpose, passion. --- ## Page 203 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 T W Th F S S M T W Th F I don't want to be here long - 14 days feels right but will have to see how that goes. AHA moment decided to use - accomplished something. No longer feel helpless could, would, take action that make me feel better. Being in control, when so many things feel out of my control Relieved when make initial decision 14 15 16 S S M Husband = feeling no agency; no say; avoiding feelings for risk of conflict. Spoke to Elizabeth about debate + she said he did "great" gave specific details + said was strong. This makes me incredibly happy. A sense of relief. Called Howard and there was no answer + so left a message. --- ## Page 204 Right now I am just going with the flow... Feeling sad but resigned. I am here + here is where I'm suppose to be. I am trusting that all will work out... giving it up to God. Missing both at the same time. Feeling that I so badly want to talk to Eric but know that this time + space away is good for me. It's a re-commitment, a refresher to remind myself that I'm not alone. That I don't have to continue living in the obsession. I am most likely going to experience intense cravings in day 5 or 6. But this time I will have a buffer. I won't be able to access + that two week period will be the longest I've gone in awhile. I just mapped out + the results were a little shocking. I think the longest period of abstinence has been 10 days. Since basically March. So what is it — it's picking up the first one. Once I do that all is downhill from there! --- ## Page 205 9-5-19 Second day @ women's unit. It was a good day... I reached my goal I went to the gym, smoked less cigarettes, worked through reservations with AA vs. NA. August 30th will always be a special day for me but my sobriety date is 9-4-19 I'm using beau as my higher power. It's getting easier to comprehend 100% sobriety + my long term goal is one year of continuous sobriety. I won't have phone privileges for another 2 days which sucks. But I guess it's better for me to truly focus on myself. The women here are amazing. I truly love them. Forming strong bonds. This just might be the real deal - only took me 15 years to get here. But better now than never. deb 014 Feeling less anxious today. Just a little pissed at self. Feel slightly embarrassed + silly that I'm back in this spot but ultimately it was the courageous thing to do. My goal for --- ## Page 206 today is to continue working out + going to the gym. To hone into the "critical moments" + truly get clear on what I must do to ensure I'm not here again. That involves saying "goodbye" to some really close friends Peter, Angela, Kiadii, Sheridan, < Nick, > Those are the repeat offenders. I think for a period of about 6 months I will have to stay clear of anyone who uses. I can contact via phone but not see in person. What are my "critical moments"? - Angry at press - Sense of accomplishment - reward - Feeling like I'm not being heard "powerlessness" - Being around others who are high - Boredom; lack of structure, free - - "Opportunity to get 72 hr time period. 9-7-19 Today was a good day + I am grateful for so much. I am finally at peace with being here knowing it's the absolute best thing for me. I spoke to E today. --- ## Page 207 He looks great + sounded great — saying how much he misses me. I miss him too. The dilemma of it all — but I do know — that it will work out the way it should/ will. Think he is regretful of NOT staying sober + fucking our time together up. But it would have been him or me. I'm actually excited for — him to go to a meeting with me. And then I have Howard coming to see me tomorrow. I am nervous + feel happy that he is coming @ the same time. I know this is my time + will not pick up under any + all circumstances for a period of one year. Asking my higher power for signs to help + support me in this extremely — difficult v A. Excited to wake up for coffee tomorrow. 9.8.19 In bed with my coffee. Had nightmares all night. Dreamt I got with Brendan who was with Liz @ the time. Dreamed that people from my past were trying to kill me — the speaker --- ## Page 208 from last night + some New Orleans peeps. Kept getting phone calls from people who said that they wanted to kill me + was hiding all dream. Think it was drugs that are trying to kill me today is 6 days clean + sober. Howard came to visit - it was lovely. First time in over a year. Sad that I've been in 3 places since then. Where do we go from here? I'm not entirely sure. Talked to Eric today and he seems lost in his future plans... afraid he will relapse... when I leave. I can't control his behaviors - I can't control anyone but myself. Today is Day # 5 + I can tell my cravings + irritability kicking in. Just gotta get through the next 9 days. --- ## Page 209 9.11.19 The past 2 days here challenged me but I'm on the mend. Howard will give me money to live for the next 6 weeks. My cold has gone to my chest - bronchitis - I must stop smoking. Tomorrow is the day Howard + I got engaged 8 years ago. I have a great feeling about the debate. Tomorrow is a good day + it was 8 years - it's a sign. 9.13.19 Friday, the 13th. Feeling really down today. Off. Is it the date? Is it the weather? Is it the fact that I've quit smoking? It's been 2 full days. I quit on 9.12.19. I leave here in 5 more nights. Getting through the weekend which is all about some down time. This will be good for me. I will read. Do work, write letters, + really try to focus. This is my cross to bear. Giving it all over + up to God. I can't know where Howard's head is @ + although I know he is --- ## Page 210 me... I just don't know if we can make it work. It sucks but there is not much I can do right now in this moment but pray for guidance from the universe/ higher power. Feeling homesick + I think it's b/c I'm not going home. me... I just don't know if we can make it work. It sucks but there is not much I can do right now in this moment but pray for guidance from the universe/ higher power. Feeling homesick + I think it's b/c I'm not going home. --- ## Page 211 9-15-19 It's 6am in the morning — rainy + foggy outside but bright + clear inside this head of mine. I had a pretty amazing God moment/higher power moment. Woke up at 5:30am and for some reason — picked up an article on the bookshelf — wasn't visible just in one of those slots. Was going to read the Judy Collins article but instead was drawn to an article wrote by David Black Not only did he has the same DOC as me but he said a few things that have resonated with me more than most. He also used like I had. 9/15/19 --- ## Page 212 *[This page is blank.]* --- ## Page 213 Poignant Advice - "My drug addiction was meant to turn down that kind of intensity. Whether it's intense joy or intense involvement in working." "Part of it was the intensity - which sometimes is the intolerable burden of consciousness" - it's too much! "I didn't give up on myself." "I knew that there would be times when I really wanted to use, but I could decide not to." --- ## Page 214 Now I am aware of the experience of suddenly having a silence when the reality floods in everyday. It gave me a model for experiencing the world in a way that the intensity, instead of being threatening, becomes joy producing, physiologically. Joy, + anxiety + excitement + fear — physiologically — the same neurology is going on. It’s just that our interpretation differs. --- ## Page 215 We describe it to ourselves as one thing or another so I'm learning more + more how to describe that feeling not as anxiety or fear - but as joy. You can feel it as joy most when you are moving in the same direction that God is moving in the world. When in opposition it feels like fear + anxiety. When you're moving in the right direction it feels like joy + Bliss. - David Black --- ## Page 216 I am feeling intense sadness/ feeling homesick + interestingly I only have 3 more nights and two more days. I may ask if I can leave + go home on Tuesday evening - not too sure I should push it or request it. What's a few more hours although would be so nice to go home. I think it's due to me not smoking - dopamine levels have plummeted. They say that day # 3 is the hardest. Although I want to look it up on the internet. --- ## Page 217 Feelings - those mother fuckers! I think I'm going to ask to leave on Tuesday morning/ afternoon. Or maybe I stay thru Wednesday? Going to give it up to a higher power + ask that the right answer come along... Kevin Lenane - ree no - what was the fucking point - it was too good to be true. He fucked around with my heart + totally used me - He loved his wife the entire time. I blocked it out - I used b/c of him + need to get honest about that with someone. I don't think --- ## Page 218 I realized the pain that was caused today. Funny how things surface. It's been a long while since I have been sober for 14 days. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9- 10, 11, 12. 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 1 2 3 27- 9.16.19 9.16.19 Meditation with Meredith today- she took us to the island of possibilities. It was surprising what came up for me... Howard was there + we were happy together and I had children. --- ## Page 219 That was a first for me. There were children by my side + on my back and Howard was my love. There was justice, passion, clarity, responsibility, love, hope, and a deep sense of calm. 9-16-19 Continued I'm going to discontinue this journal after I leave here. I no longer have use of the past other than a reminder. I am heading into the future + leaving my addictions behind on magic mountain. --- ## Page 220 I have learned + processed a lot while here — in just the two weeks I've been away. I've learned my triggers, learned some useful DBT skills, re-iterated and proved to self just how good I can be when sober, made some good/lasting friendships, reminded self of what needs to be done, recommitted myself to complete sobriety, quit smoking! It will be one week when I leave here + feel dealt with some fucked up triggers/stressors. I re-committed myself. --- ## Page 221 to health + wellness. I need to be there for the kids, for my parents, for Howard + for myself. This needed to happen + it was the perfect timing - divine intervention. I will live in Beau's honor. I will stop hurting myself. I will stop abusing my body. I will surrender to feeling + surrender to this disease - wholeheartedly, fully, completely, gladly. --- ## Page 222 9.17.19 My last full day on magic mountain. I am so grateful for this gift of recovery. I know I have my higher power/consciousness/guardian angels by my side + for the first time feel as though I have myself. I have my own back. 9.18.19 It’s 3am in the morning and I can’t sleep. Went to bed at 10pm - 5 hours of sleep! I know it’s b/c I had a strong cup of coffee @ 4pm and I am going “home” today. I had a beautiful coin out. And surprisingly, Kate said the most profound + meaningful words. That I have beauty + pure muscle in that brain. I am leaving here renewed - restored - re-energized for my life. 16 days ago, I was dropped off and now I am leaving with more confidence + hope than I’ve had in awhile. I am so grateful for who I’ve met, what I learned, and who I am becoming without --- ## Page 223 The poison + shit polluting my precious body. It's been 7 days without a cigarette + 16 days without any substances in this body of mine. Keep going moving ahead to a healthier life filled with wellness. ---